by Joe Janes

Hester Ford of North Carolina recently passed away. She was known as the oldest living American at 115 years and 8 months. With Ford’s passing, the Gerontology Research Group lists Thelma Sutcliffe of Nebraska, born in 1906, as the oldest living American. This is being hotly contested by Patrick “Stumpy” McGoohan of Hamtramck, Michigan, who also claims to be born in 1906 a few minutes before Sutcliffe. It’s difficult to verify, clocks being what they were back then and the time zones and stuff. Doctors also had their arms covered in baby gunk and often couldn’t check the time of birth. 

Whether or not Stumpy is the oldest remains to be seen. He is certainly the most interesting. Amongst his accomplishments during his lifetime are converting an Amish farm into a man v farm animal fight club, of which he also claims to be their longest reining champ. His signature move was called “sheep clocking.” He currently lives in a small shed near the barn and still fights for money. 

Some of the other “highlights” from Mr. McGoohan’s life…

Stumpy caused The Great Depression when he conned most of the nation’s biggest millionaires into joining a pyramid scheme, then known as a “just a hole to bury people” scheme. He was so taken with his own con, that he invested all his stolen money back into the con, which collapsed, leaving him penniless. 

Stumpy claims he started World War 2 when he slipped on a banana in Sarajevo. In his defense, he says, “Bananas were more slippery back then.”

On a sunny November day, Stumpy whispered “top down” to the driver of John F. Kennedy’s limousine in Dallas. 

He thought the Vietnam War was a good idea because America had all that equipment left over from WW2 and Korea. He started the very popular “Use It or Lose It” platform for foreign affairs.

Stumpy owns the patent for Pizza Puffs with pineapple. 

Stumpy has already chosen a tombstone which simply reads, “My Bad”. 

Stumpy’s secret for longevity? “Nobody told me I couldn’t live this long. As long as there’s a farm animal with a chip on his or her shoulder, I have a reason to get up in the morning.”

The Gerontology Research Group claims they are looking into Stumpy being the oldest living American, but, given his reputation, aren’t in a hurry. “We’re hoping that if we drag our feet, God or nature or an angry sheep will take this task off our plate.”