by Joe Janes

RNC Guidelines for Choosing Your Republican Bride

Written by Rudy Giuliani, Matt Gaetz, Lindsey Graham, and Donald J. Trump

The Republican Party is the party of Family First (right after America First, Guns First, “Fair” Elections First, and Wall Street First). We have long believed in the sacred institution of marriage between one heterosexual-appearing man and one dedicated woman open to experimenting as long as we’re included. If you are just starting out in politics or wish to forward your career, it’s important to have the perfect photogenic mate by your side at campaign and fundraising functions. If she’s attractive enough, your constituents will respect her (see Ted Cruz vs Donald Trump).  A strong-looking family equals strong contributions and party-endorsed nepotism. 

WHERE TO LOOK?

You want to seek out places where like-minded people can be found. We suggest the following:

-       Family Reunions – Who could be more like-minded than a third cousin that shares the same genes as your brain does?

-       Church Youth Programs – They already conveniently religious. Evangelical Christianity has already laid down a lot of groundwork for your future submissive housewife. God is on your side here. Check your state - and nearby states - for the age of consent. (Handy pocket-sized chart available for download – Click HERE)

-       Gun Swap Events – The second amendment is a strong plank upon which to build your lifelong wedding bliss. You’ll open carry your bride over the threshold of your new home. 

-       Stock Holder Meetings – Looking for a love merger? Sometimes money speaks louder than words. 

-       The parking lot at American Girl Palace – This is for long term planning and is the perfect way to set up prospects for your second, third, and fourth wife.

-       Host an international beauty pageant. (This doesn’t work for everyone.)

-       Hang out at the men’s barracks at military bases. Who doesn’t love a man in uniform? (Um, thanks, Lindsey.)

We may seem old-fashioned, but we are hip to technology. If you are unable to mingle in person, check out catalogs from foreign countries. At Republican Headquarters we have binders full of women. They are chock full of potential brides who won’t speak too much because they don’t understand English or politics. They’ll love and adore you because they need to in order to get into our country legally. 

Perhaps you are in the market for someone outspoken, the FBI has many photos from the January 6th“Freedom Celebration” at the capitol building. The hill was teeming with eligible brides-to-be that day. We do recommend some caution with this. While the bride-to-be will certainly be eager as a dog in heat for a union with a GOP rock star, they tend to be fashion-challenged and, frankly, not pretty. We also don’t really like people who are dumb enough to vote for us, but in a pinch… 

WHAT ABOUT COURTSHIP?

You mean, negotiation! Make it a win-win situation. You need her to be more electable. She needs you to avoid meaningful employment. Get everything in writing. Discuss the terms over a glass of (enhanced) wine while listening to Ted Nugent. 

I FOUND A BRIDE, NOW WHAT?

Be sure to send us a wedding invitation! Just kidding, Donald Trump will just crash it. Be sure to use the GOP-sanction vows, too, complete with an NDA for all involved. BTW - Rudy Giuliani is ordained to perform weddings and for a small fee will also book your venue!

Once you have secured a wife, it will be time to work on training her to be the best republican wife possible. In our next installment, we teach you how to discipline her with rewards like food, clothes, jewelry, and vacations and how to punish her with views of you naked and drooling.