By Joe Janes

Last week, the CDC announced revised mask guidelines that included people who have been vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask in public. There were several stipulations, such as recommending people still wear masks indoors or large crowds and not holding the CDC liable for a resurgence in COVID-19 or one of its variants.

The CDC is saying do what you are going to do anyway.

This is the equivalent of an overwhelmed mother of teenagers throwing up her arms and saying, “I give up. Do whatever the hell you want. Don’t come crying to me.” As she cracks open a carton of Marlboro Lights. 

Other recommendations by the CDC:

 -       To reduce the amount of smoke alarms going off, remove the batteries from your smoke alarm. It is especially safe to remove the batteries if you are not cooking, smoking, or meditating by candlelight. No one knows what your neighbors are doing, but they are probably taking precautions while grilling on their rickety wooden back porch.

-       Support education. To avoid failing grades at school, do not attend class, check your email, or answer your phone.

-       In America, we cherish the freedom of religion. You are free to workshop the Christian God of your choice. 

-       Carrying a firearm has been scientifically proven to make you feel safer while increasing the likelihood you or a loved one will be shot by that gun. Keep the safety on. On your gun and your heart, just in case.

-       Swim immediately after eating. The more you eat, the safer it is. Open our seaside buffets!

-       If your friends jump off a cliff, it is perfectly safe for you to also jump off a cliff. Clothes optional.

-       Sit as close as you want to the television set. You can see around the edges of the frame if you plaster your face to the screen.

-       If you are vaccinated, you no longer need to wear a seatbelt in a car. 

 If you are fully vaccinated, you can resume activities that you did prior to the pandemic. Activities like, taking naps in the conference room, ignoring beggars on the street, eating other people’s food in the break room, inventing customized excuses for missing social events and staying home to watch Netflix, not answering the phone or the front door, sitting alone and far from everyone else in a movie theater, eating potato salad out of the carton standing over the sink, thinking about cleaning, blaming house pets for not doing their fair share, and being about to leave and standing behind your door waiting for your neighbors to clear the hallway.

Back to NORMAL!!!