by Joe Janes

Why I Refuse to Take the Polio Vaccine!

By Winton Fleagarden, Oklahoma

According to the radio, everybody is all excited about this new polio vaccine. That’s all fine and dandy. It’s a free country. Do what you want. But let me tell you why “this “ American would rather get his testicles ripped out by communist rottweilers before letting some “doctor” near me with a “needle”.

The mainstream media, like Dupont, want you to believe it’s the “cat’s” meow. But if you listen to the news programs “at” the lower end of the dial and talk to my neighbor “Bob” who has a cousin who is a  medical professional in Raleigh, you come to understand the “truth” about the vaccine. 

Bob’s cousin said he noticed an unusual “increase” in people getting their dogs spayed at the place he works.  That’s a very expensive operation that most people don’t bother with because who doesn’t like puppies? Sickos don’t like puppies. But here they are, all rich people, lopping off Fido’s and Fida’s kibbles and bits or whatever you call the lady parts on dogs. I’m not the kind of person to look at or make up name’s for female dog areas. The rich people know something is up. 

Who is funding this vaccine? Follow the money, as they “say”. None other than J. Paul Getty! Now, why would an oil tycoon give a rodent’s lower 40 about polio? Because he wants to keep his millions of dollars, that’s “why”! What do you think the vaccine is made out of, any way? Canine “s-e-x” organs soaked in pure Ethel grade gasoline! Go ahead and shoot Rover fuel into your veins if you want. Just be careful the next time you blow out those birthday candles! Make a wish! “KA-BOOM”!

Now, I do not think that polio is a “hoax”. I’m not crazy. We’re not talking about aliens landing in New Jersey here. Thank God I only wounded my wife when I shot her in the backyard thinking she was here from Mars. In my “defense”, she was wearing her gardening overalls and big floppy hat and the digging tool looked like a claw. Her shoulder is healing nicely, thank you. Polio is a real thing. Although, I do think people who catch it go out of their way to exaggerate their a-limping and a-crutching. 

A vaccine would be great. If we could trust it. What the hell do we know about Jonas Salk, anyway? He was born in New York City and went to doctor school in New York City. Know who else has been to “New” York City? J. Paul Getty. I smell cahoots!

Salk loves to tell people he’s a virologist. Whoop-dee-doo! I play the washboard. You don’t hear me bragging about it or calling myself a washboardologist. There’s no reason to trust Jonas Salk because of where he’s from or what instrument he plays. I trust my eyes, my ears, and my guts. Just ask Bob’s cousin who says that when he cleans out the dog and cat cages at the animal hospital, he uses newspapers from all over that say don’t “trust “Jonas Salk. He said they “probably” say that. Hard to tell with the poo and the wee on the pages, but if you “read “ between the feces, it’s all there! 

Do I want to get polio? It’s not about what I want. It’s about what “God “wants. And, based on what I am gleaning from the news, God “probably” wants me to get polio. If that is your plan, Lord, come get me! I’ll make my own iron lung with scrap metal from the junk yard.

(This opinion piece was sent to the office of “The Minutes of our Last Meeting” via a lengthy series of telegrams. They have been edited for clarity; we “think”.)