by Joe Janes

But I’m A Genius!

By Mitchell O. Durnstein, genius filmmaker 

 Greetings fans of my work and the rest of you haters who can go to hell on a fast pass. 

I normally don’t address the eddy of rumors and hearsay that seem to come part and parcel with being a famous award-winning director. Director of such films as the time-honored Joey Skips Bail. JSB is about a middle-aged alimony delinquent rascal that everyone loves anyway -  which is still playing weekly at the mall in Bend, Oregon after two years since its release.

The Twitterverse and Cancel Culture hate successful people and now have me in their mealy crosshairs. I will not be cancelled! Steven Spielberg once told me I’d never work in this town again. I’m still working. Although, not in the town we were in when he said that, but to hell with Vancouver. They don’t put enough sugar in their candy and sodas.  

I prefer to shoot my movies on American soil. Even my road comedy What Up Down Under? was filmed in Brooklyn and you wouldn’t know it, not even from the accents. Don’t get on me about not using a real aborigine for the main character. Mads did a great job. I also didn’t use real kangaroos. Sue me, just like the many aboriginal rights groups have.

Which brings me to the accusation that I am racist. I am not racist! I am a storyteller. A white storyteller. I tell my stories from a white male perspective because I do not turn my back from my own heritage. Does that mean my human stories don’t count? I grew up in a gated community surrounded by white people and one Hispanic family that I think also worked there. My stories come from the heart. Take my film Eat This about a struggling upper middle-class family that has to survive in a rough section of a big city during a zombie apocalypse. I used many people of color for the zombies, by the way. That film was a metaphor for growing up in a gated community and still having to go through the humiliation of attending a public school. I will never forgive my parents, which is why, in the film, the mom and dad get eaten very quickly by the obese undead that have overrun the donut shop. 

I am also not sexist. Yes, I did rewrite Jane Eyre from Mr. Rochester’s perspective. I wanted to lean into the story of a man who had to lock his crazy wife in an attic. Jane is still in the story and my version has a happier ending. Mr. Rochester gets to sleep with Jane and can slip up into the attic to “tend” to his wife whenever he wants. It’s a vision for how a man can create his own path and live life on his own terms. It’s about empowerment, people!

A few disgruntled actors have also accused me of being abusive on set. This could not be further from the truth. I am always there 100% for my actors. I will never have them film a sex scene unless I do it with them first to show them I am willing to do whatever they have to do. Did I throw books at Betty White while shouting crude terms for genitals? Of course, I did. Did she go on to deliver the best performance of her career in Lethal Library? I think so and so did The Golden Globes!  

I hope this has cleared things up and gotten the Twitter mob off my behind. If not, screw all of you PC police! That’s a police force I can support defunding! Now, back to the set to continue filming my latest masterpiece. My reworking of Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? with a white boyfriend visiting his black girlfriend’s all black family. Tyler Perry is playing ALL the black people! Spoiler alert, it also has a Get Out twisty thing at the end where they are turning the white boyfriend black by making him wear more confortable clothes for dancing and listen to the hip hop. Today he gets pulled over by a confused cop. It’s a compelling relatable story that will hopefully put all this racist BS to bed once and for all!