by Joe Janes

“In recent years,

the drugs used to execute people by lethal injection have become both increasingly difficult to obtain and subject to legal scrutiny in the courts.

States that are determined to continue applying capital punishment have therefore set out in search of new methods to end a human life, from firing squads to bringing back electric chairs to gas.”

We can all agree that killing people is bad. Some of us believe it so strongly, we’re willing to kill people who kill people to teach them a lesson. Unfortunately, it’s getting harder for state’s to terminate lives. Many people will see the gas chamber as half empty, we at Jigsaw, Inc. see the gas chamber as an excuse to make deadly fart jokes.

Lethal injections have been unreliable and lacking in entertainment value. They do need to come to their own termination. We believe this is a wonderful opportunity. We have the chance to refashion capital punishment so the execution reflects a person’s crime.

Murder via a drive-by shooting – firing squad by armed guards on Segways

Domestic abuse resulting in murder – the guilty party is strapped to a concrete wall in a bare room with the deceased spouse’s mother listing all their faults. The length of this execution may vary as it depends on how hard and how often the murderer smacks their own head against the wall until dead. 

Killing of a minor – The death row occupant is moved to a fully inflated bouncy house with electric shock collars on their ankles. They are to jump up and down until the life has bounced out of them. 

Killing of a child – The Chubby Bunny. Murderers must stuff their mouths with a bag of marshmallows and then sing the court’s guilty verdict against them to a karaoke version of Careless Whisper by Wham. 

Killing by driving into a crowd of protesters – Laid out naked on the floor of a Whirly Ball court while the family and friends of the deceased play games until death occurs. Then everybody wins. 

Racially motivated murder – The convicted is dressed in a hoody and given a bag of Skittles and iced tea and made to walk through a very white and armed gated community. 

We’re also nostalgic. May we recommend being fed to lions, public group hanging, burning at the stake, stoning, and beheading – guillotine or big guy in a hood with a stylish axe. 

Themed may be your state’s style.

Sci-Fi – Pushed out of a spaceship’s airlock

Horror – Stalked by Jason at the Crystal Lake camp

Superhero – Forced to watch all of Zack Snyder’s superhero movies. Death by angsty boredom. 

Renaissance Fair – Their last meal of mutton is served with a goblet of well water poisoned with pox.

Vegas – They get to dress like Elvis and die on the toilet after being fed an abundance of fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches and prescription pills.

Do we at Jigsaw, Inc have a favorite? Yes, we do. The murderer is placed in a tank along with their executioners. A herd of cattle placed around the rim of the tank facing outwards is fed a diet of shredded bibles, capital punishment laws, and laxatives. The ultimate sinners drown in a heavy flow of hypocritical bullshit.