by Joe Janes

After winning a CPAC straw vote, Donald Trump has gone one further and has already declared victory for an election over three years away. 

The Minutes of Our Last Meeting has an interview exclusive. Trump had this to say about his pending but certain victory. 

“This last election was rigged. Everyone knows that. Fortunately, loyal Republicans have put strict laws in place to prevent another election steal. Sleepy Joe can run again, but I’ll beat him, again. It’s a done deal thanks to my Republican governors. And Trump will be back in the White House along with some added on years from missing this term and to make up for the times democrats tried to impeach me. It’s only fair.”

Will Mike Pence once again be your running mate?

“Mike turned out to be a traitor. After all I did for him, too. Nobody knew who Mike Pence was until he became Trump’s vice-president. He should be hanged. Maybe make that part of my inauguration celebration. A military parade, fireworks, and stringing up Mike Pence on the south lawn. Which will also prove I’m not a racist, because who hangs white guys in public?”

Who will be your running mate?

“Ron De Santis is up there. If he survives being governor of Florida, he’s up there. We’re both Florida men. People probably want another woman vice-president. I have no problem with that. I love women. Marjorie Taylor Green and Lauren Boebert are good candidates. They’re attractive enough. They’d do what I say and wear a dress. You see Camila Harris bouncing around in colorful trousers and tennis shoes. What’s that? Is that vice-presidential? At least Mikie never did that in public.”

What do you consider to be his biggest challenge when you return to the Oval Office?

“So many things that Trump will be working hard on. So many things. The biggest is probably going to be shifting blame from Obama to Biden, but I’m not too worried about that. Biden is just Obama - Part Two, right? I’ll also focus on prison reform. By that, I mean leniency for VIPs. Just in case. Prison would be more humane with an omelet station and a golf course. We have a healthcare plan that’s beautiful. Way better than Obamacare. Cancel cancel culture, of course. Shut up those people who try to silence decent Americans using their freedom of speech, like Trump. And we’re coming up with a new flag.”

A new flag?

“I love the flag. Nobody loves the flag more than me. It’s the greatest flag in the country. Bob Ross did a great job sewing it. Him and Paul Revere. There’s always room for improvement though. We did a great job redesigning Air Force One. Air Force One didn’t have gold toilets before we took it over. Nobody talks about how great a job Trump did on that. We’re looking at maybe making the stars into the shape of a “T”. Adding a blue line to the stripey part. There are a few with my face on them. I don’t know about that. I told my people, ‘I don’t know, I don’t know.’ And they said, ‘Sir, the people love you. You brought respect and honor back to America.’ If it’s what the people want, we’ll consider it. You’ll probably see my face on money, too. Who better to replace Andrew Jackson than me? I’m way more good looking than Harriet Tubman, too, who was never a president. Only presidents should be on money. Washington, Lincoln, Franklin, all presidents.”

Will your slogan still be “Make America Great Again”?

“We still have a lot of hats in Trump Tower, so yeah. We make a lot of money selling them. We get them cheap from Chy-nuh and sell them 5-10 times what they’re worth. People love them. I love them. I love people who love them. It helps cover my legal fees when I pay them, which isn’t often, because I’m smart.”