by Joe Janes

Wake up, little lambs!

You have been so busy getting jabbed and flashing your vax card along with your NPR and Red Cross donor cards, that you forgot to stop and wonder why someone would not want to be vaccinated with your liberal juices.

I’ll bet many of you didn’t even do any research. “President” Biden said, “Go get vaxed!” and you said, “Yes, Sir! What color?” Pardon me for being more cautious around an untested experimental drug. I have done extensive research (Reddit, YouTube, Fox News, Trump Rallies, MyPillow Infomercials, eHarmony, etc.) and I am here to tell you, I am never going to let that communist venom seep into the blood of this patriot. 

Here are my reasons for refusing your modern “medicine”.

-       I’m not sick. I’m healthy. I’ve spent over a year not wearing a mask and all I ever got was this nagging dry cough and my bacon smells like poo. Those are natural things a body goes through. We’ve all had a nagging cough before, and we have all eaten the Baconator at Wendy’s. I’d rather spend a little down time on the couch with the Chinese flu than let people think Biden was right.

-       Jesus wasn’t vaccinated. The greatest American ever walked on this planet his whole life without ever getting a vaccination. Good enough for Jesus, good enough for me. Keep your needles. Stick me with nails when my cross is ready.

-       The vaccine causes infertility. Look, I’m 60, but thanks to insurance-covered Viagra, I still have sex when I have the extra cash. That doesn’t mean I want to have kids, but if I have unprotected sex, I want to know I have a choice to force the woman to carry my child. 

-       My body, my choice. I’m a US Citizen. That means I have rights. If I don’t want a tattoo, that doesn’t mean you have the right to force me to get this Celtic knot tattoo, even though I’m not Irish. I just think they look cool.

-       The vaccine has a tracking device in it. We all know Bill Gates funded this thing and we know him and his Microsoft dick want to make sure the government constantly knows our whereabouts. Well, it’s none of their business when I take a dump or stand in my neighbor’s backyard at night. 

-       The vaccine is NOT magnetic. You read that right. Don’t be a fool. No way a vaccine is going to turn your flesh, blood, and bones into a refrigerator magnet. Stop that nonsense right now. What it does do is turn your skin into Velcro. The better for the DEMON-crats to herd us by making us all stick to one another. 

-       There’s already a Delta variant. Enough is enough! They want us to be vaccine-taking machines by telling us there’s another worse thing to worry about. More shots will be coming soon to keep the pharmaceutical companies rich and the populace docile with arms poked up like a voodoo doll.  

-       Changes your DNA. Look, this is some weirdo mad scientist stuff they are up to. I like my DNA just the way it is. A friend of my cousin’s got vaccinated because his job told him to and now he’s a rabbit. His wife just woke up one morning to find a fluffy little critter in her bed that used to be her husband. She knows it’s him because he still smokes. Other than that, it’s all eating carrots and hopping around and pooping Raisinets. It’ll probably end in divorce. 

-       It’s made from dead babies. I like babies. Especially live ones. Dumbo-crats are buying babies, drinking their blood, and then giving the rest to the pharmaceutical companies to make vaccines and baby jerky. Baby jerky that Tom Hanks then sells to all his friends in Hollywood. I will not support this atrocity. 

You ask me why I won’t get vaccinated and I just gave you plenty of reasons. 

Be smart.

Stay free.

But if they start offering $50 Amazon gift cards, I’ll probably get one, just to show ‘em how stupid they are.