By David Himmel

• I envy those who are split from their children’s other parent and have to maintain contact to raise the kids. These people still get to talk to their ex. I’d love to know what my exes are up to. Mostly, I’d love them to see how much more likable I am now.

• I’m trying to find my place in Modern America and I’m having a hard time determining not so much to which fraction I belong based on my identity and politics, but which fraction I hate the least. Perhaps I’m an island.

• If you get excited about 401 Ks, you really sound like a schmuck when you rail against the failings of capitalism.

• I think every cable television news anchor should be replaced with 3-year-old children. Because a 3-year-old won’t let up until they get you to answer the really hard questions. Questions like, “Why is Hulk a good guy?”

• I’m at the age where I can’t tell the difference between a hangover and being in my 40s.

• I was really bad at chemistry in high school. But I’m really good at it now when it comes to altering my brain chemistry. That’s not a brag. It’s a disappointment.