by Don Hall

The Beauty of the Symphony of Social Criticism

I like to cuss.

Often, I get called on the carpet for my prolific use of the seemingly endless lexicon of vulgarity at my disposal and even I am willing to admit to overkill from time to time. My mother admits to reading my casino book but confesses that she glosses over all the F-words. When I teach a workshop, I always warn the students that I'm gonna sound angry but they shouldn't take it personally as I'm simply playing an instrument with the notes I find most effective (and fun).

Favorites include "douchebag," "asshat," "shit stain," and, of course, any variation on the word "fuck." The Irish can use these words like Yo Yo Ma can play an arpeggio and I consider myself a near virtuoso. 

Apparently a prodigy, my mother tells a story about when I was two years old. I wanted some random bag of pinto beans and threw them in our cart at the grocery store. My mother pulled the bag out and told me that we didn't need beans. My response - as the story goes - was to shriek "I want the FUCKING BEANS!!"

Like spectacular little grace notes to an otherwise eloquent or willful thought, the art of placement and use is both musical and theatrical—like opera but with scatological impact.

For example, the phrase "I actually prefer it if you allow me to finish my thought." while polite and to the point receives an injection of genuine music when a few expletives are peppered in. "I actually fucking prefer it if you motherfucking allow me to finish my goddamn thought, you shit stain."

Nice, huh? Sounds like you really mean it.

It especially works if you can say it without raising your voice or allowing authentic anger to creep into your body language.

"But while they prate of economic laws, men and women are starving. We must lay hold of the fact that economic laws are not made by nature. They are made by human beings." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"But while they fucking prate of economic laws - the greedy fucks - men and women are starving like a nymphomaniac in Cleveland. We must lay hold of the fact that fucktastic economic laws are not made by nature, you dim asshats. They are made by human beings." -- FD-fucking-R

How about reversing things - take a passage from Pulp Fiction, for example:

"Well, I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain, I'm Superfly T.N.T., I'm the Guns of the Navarone! IN FACT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOIN' IN THE BACK? YOU'RE THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO SHOULD BE ON BRAIN DETAIL! We're fuckin' switchin'! I'm washin' the windows, and you're pickin' up this nigger's skull!"

Now, defang it, like network television:

"Well, I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' dude, man! Every time my fingers touch brain, I'm Superfly T.N.T., I'm the Guns of the Navarone! IN FACT, WHAT AM I DOIN' IN THE BACK? YOU'RE THE GUY WHO SHOULD BE ON BRAIN DETAIL! We're switchin'! I'm washin' the windows, and you're pickin' up this dude's skull!"

The music is gone and all we're left with is the clever quips and pop culture references. 

Let's try some more.

James 5:4 (from the Bible)

"Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty."

or

"Look, you vapid, greedy douchebags! The wages you failed to motherfucking pay the workmen who mowed your cocksucking fields are crying out against you, shit for brains. The un-fucking-godly cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord "I'm Gonna Smite Your Sorry Ass With A Lightning Bolt Up Your Shitter" Almighty."

and 

"We will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises... I believe we will, and write the next great chapter of the American story." - Joe Biden

or

"We will be fucking judged, you and I, by how we resolve these motherfucking endless cascading crises... You're goddamned right I believe we will, and write the next shit-your-pants great chapter of the American story." - Joe ‘Bustin’ Balls’ Biden

and

"The fastest path to reopening travel is for people to get vaccinated, to mask up and slow the spread of the deadly virus." – Jen Psaki

or

"Jesus wept, you assholes! The fastest fucktastic path to reopening your fucking travel is for you fuckwits to get vaccinated, to mask the fuck up and slow the cocksucking spread of the deadly goddamned virus." – Jen ‘Yer a Jagoff’ Psaki

The beauty of vulgarity is that it both dresses the the idea down a bit and manages to smack those listening in the jaw. A well placed obscenity, when used properly, can be a thing of beauty and anger. It takes practice and a commitment to honing that skill but, once mastered, can add an entire chromatic scale of vocabulary designed to cut through the bullshit and liven up your prose.