by Joe Janes

Dear Parents,

It is with a tremendous pit of disappointment that I feel the need to write this letter to address issues that you continue to bring up at our school board meetings.

First, let me say that I am delighted in the attendance. It is heartening to see so many parents interested and invested in their children’s future. However, during the open forum part of our meeting, it’s really not necessary for everyone to speak. Or sing. If someone before you has already made your point, it’s okay to sit this one out. My hope is this letter will put an end to the following issues so that we can focus on things like budgets, after-school programs, education, and feeding your kids.

MASKS & VACCINES: They are required. End of story. If you do not want your child to wear a mask or be vaccinated, I suggest homeschooling, which will likely mean sitting them in front of your television all day. Your call. 

CRITICAL RACE THEORY: We do not teach CRT as a part of our curriculum. We teach history, which often includes racism, slavery, and genocide. And the moon landing, which is real.

FURRIES: We do not put kitty litter boxes in the bathrooms to accommodate students who identify as cats. We will, however, allow them to nap on window sills on sunny days.

CHIPOTLE PRICES: We have no control on what Chipotle charges for their burritos. We do not serve Chipotle in our schools and are in no way affiliated with them. Maybe skip the guac. That always drives up the price.

GUNS IN SCHOOL: We do not and will not allow your children to pack heat in our classrooms. Not even on the playgrounds. Please stop asking and please stop bringing firearms to our meetings. The automatic rifles slung over your shoulders actually work against your point of making people feel safer.

BANNING BOOKS: We will not ban literature in the library that might enlighten your child to the existence of people of different colors, cultures, or sexualities. We will also not eliminate learning about rainbows in science class.

M&Ms CHANGING THEIR LOOK: Again. Not us. May I recommend switching to non-gendered Reese’s Pieces, as long as your child is not allergic to penis? (CORRECTION: Peanuts)

I hope these issues can now be put to bed. I look forward to seeing you at next month’s hopefully much shorter meeting without your weapons. Or songs.

Sincerely,

The Superintendent of Schools