By Elizabeth Harper

I would give more money to charities and causes.

Well, why don’t you just be rich yourself?

Well, yes, of course, I’ll be rich, but I won’t be hedge fund manager rich like my hypothetical rich husband.

And I’ll always worry about not having enough or having it all go away … taken or lost or spent … spent on healthcare costs or loved ones or home repair or all the unexpected expenses that can happen to a woman on her own with no rich husband to take care of her and the hassles of life.

But you wouldn’t really want a husband because husbands are annoying. They mansplain and don’t clean up after themselves and expect and demand attention when you have other things to do.

Yes, I know I don’t really want a husband. Though sometimes I like the idea of a husband … someone handsome, loving, caring, strong, to ease my worried mind and fix things around the house and pay the bills and give me hugs and kisses and orgasms.

Hedge fund managers are often too busy managing hedge funds to do that stuff all the time. Most likely you’d end up drinking martinis with gigolos who would escort you to your charity events.

Well, martinis, young escorts, and parties aren’t bad at all. I like those things. Though, they’re not love and security. That lifestyle can easily be taken away or sabotaged. Also, I don’t want to be someone’s trophy, accessory, representative, showpiece … I don’t want to be a wife!

So, you’re not going to be a wife. Frankly, as experience has shown, you’re terrible at being a wife. You wouldn’t be a good wife to anyone. You’re not practical. All you like to do is read and rant and dance and drink and go to parties. You’re terrible at housework. You’re not even good at telling a housekeeper what housework to do. You can’t manage a staff. Anarchists aren’t good at bossing people around. Even calling the cable company is a major project for you. No, you’ll never be a good wife. No one will want you. And let’s face it, you don’t want anyone either. You want some ideal Daddy to fix everything for you. Well, those exist only in trashy fetish novels, and you can get plenty of those included with your Kindle Unlimited subscription. No need to get fancy and complicated and bring lawyers and the IRS, etc. into the situation.

I’m so alone and repulsed by all the injustices in the world. I’d give lots of that hedge fund husband money to Doctors Without Borders, ACLU, literacy programs, etc. I’d spend money at small businesses and contribute to more Kickstarters.

You shouldn’t have to prostitute yourself and pretend to be straight/monogamous to change the world. Really, some could question the efficacy of charity for solving all the world’s problems, since it doesn’t really address the systemic issues and structural violence, etc.

I don’t know how to fix all the world’s problems all by myself. (I don’t even know how to fix my own toilet.) That hedge fund husband money could do a lot of good, help a lot of people. I was supposed to grow up to be a wife to a rich husband. But I just can’t do it. I can’t conform. I can’t be that kind of person. Not a chance. I’m not even that interested in clothes, makeup, plastic surgery, event planning, interior decorating …

The rich husband boat has sailed and is not coming back given that you’re over 50, post-menopausal, and no longer young, thin, and pretty. Seems your only question now is, did you dodge a bullet or ruin your only chance to be happy and do good in the world?

I probably couldn’t stand the mental abuse and cognitive dissonance that go along with being a wife.

No, you couldn’t.