by Joe Janes

Memo from the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter to ALL my Remaining Employees

Muskovites!!!

Tis I, your intrepid leader, Elon. Just want to give a shout out to all the tireless workers (mostly me) at Twitter who have turned that ship around. It used to be a super serious woke cop – there was even a cat whose pictures you couldn’t enjoy without it telling you to be pro-union. Fuck that cat. If I find that anyone is following him, you will be fired. I haven’t kicked him off Twitter yet for his hate speech because I don’t want people to think I’m anti-cat. My point is, now it’s fun and people have the freedom of speech to share their opinions about anything – movies, TV shows, the Jews. Sorry, that was supposed to say “the news”. I haven’t figured out an edit button yet for my memos.

I heard through the grapevine (my Twitter!) that there are people at Tesla and SpaceX worried that I am spending too much time trying to fix Twitter and not enough time exploring space or perfecting overpriced exploding electric cars. Jealous much? Look, dudes, it’s all doable. I am a genius with a passion for fixing things. Just ask the engineers at Tesla and SpaceX. They will tell you they see way more of me than they want to. I’m always coming up with ideas for all my companies. I just designed cup holders. For our SpaceX rockets. Our cars already have cupholders and because our cars overheat, your coffee will always be hot. Now astronauts can enjoy the same amenity.

Well, I’m on my eighth caffeine-free Diet Coke of the day and third handgun. I have been working for hours with a Tweeterneer (my new name for him!) to allow tweets to have sound and moving images. He claims they already have that, it’s called “uploading a video”. Dude! Videos are so analog. Have some vision. It takes time for me to get my ideas across to dumb people. Not everyone can be a rich billionaire genius like me.

I will continue working my butt off for you Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter. You are my family. But not my real family. They are way more difficult to keep up with and way less profitable.

Your CEO and buddy, but not your real daddy,

  Elon