by Joe Janes

On the heels of switching her party affiliation from democrat to independent, Senator Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona has announced that she will also switch species.

She has released this statement.

Being a human, quite frankly, has been a hindrance for me in congress. People expect me to have morals and odd things like empathy and a soul. In order to be more effective as an advocate for America and freedom, I am going to change my species to that of a blobfish.

Blobfish have expressions that are difficult to read, which will be helpful in negotiations and in finding the right glasses. I specifically avoided something cute and cuddly, like a panda, because I didn’t come to Washington to be cute and cuddly. Blobfish are great under pressure because they live 2,000-4,000 feet under the sea. If the president wants to meet with me to beg me to change my position on giving children food or something, he’s going to have to suit up. I also chose them because they are pink and I am a woman. My pronouns will continue to be she/her/yow-za.

I’m not going to change how I do my job. Republicans will still give me secret nods and democrats will still be really annoyed. Corporations and rich people will continue to give me lots of money to help them make lots of money.

The people of Arizona deserve a representative that speaks for them and is gelatinous.

Editor’s note: The blobfish has no bones, thus no spine, and also lacks muscle. Political pundits are skeptical that this will change anything about Kyrsten Sinema.