by Joe Janes

It’s the busiest time of the year for holiday travel. Are you flying somewhere special? Don’t arrive in a foul mood from having to go through security with a bunch of shoeless, beltless mouthbreathers. You know the ones. They have no clue how to anticipate that they are about to put all their personal belongings, including their phone, computer, and wallet, into a bin and hope to get it back in an orderly fashion.

Are we you still taking your shoes off? That’s so 2006!

For a mere $80, you can be treated like a God at the airport. For $80, the TSA will expedite your entry into terminal heaven and trust you to not blow up or hijack any commercial airplanes.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of TSA Pre-Check,

here are some of the benefits.

-       The line is shorter. This is because not everyone wants to spend an additional $80 after coughing up an additional $75 for leg room so you’re not packed in like a veal calf on the plane.

-       You get to keep your clothes on.

-       The security personnel are not allowed to make direct eye contact with you and may only address you as “Tiger”.

-       You can keep your loaded gun.

-       Strip searches by request – your request.

-       They will top off your water bottle and fill it with 20oz of your liquid of choice.

-       Hot towels.

-       They will only look at your laptop or tablet if you want to show them your amateur porn videos.

-       No tipping allowed.

-       When you show them your ID and boarding pass, it will be greeting by a friendly shrug and a wave on through, Tiger.

A TSA Pre-check lasts for five years, so it’s really only about $15 per year. Practically nothing, which is also what it should be, unless you’re trying to squeeze money out of people. Incoveniencing people with taking off their shoes in long lines is a great sales tool.