By David Himmel

• The hard truth is a jagged suppository.

• Christmas always feels most magical when the man wearing an elf’s hat takes a leak in your CTA Blue Line car.

• The use of Santa to keep children in line is a form of martial law.

• I admit it. I don’t enjoy the more diverse Hallmark or Hallmark-esque Christmas movies. I prefer the ones that portray the kind of America Mike Lindell wants. Not because I want that for America, but because it’s so laughably childish.

• “Happy holidays” is a perfectly acceptable thing to say this time of year. If you don’t like it, take it up with Irving Berlin’s ghost.

• All I want for Christmas this year is for my wife to say, “That’s a great idea, David!” But I’ve got better luck with Trump going to jail.