...that this isn’t racist (because the Na’vi aren’t real) but the blue people in Avatar kind of all look alike. You know, like white women in craft stores except blue.

...that the best Christmas gift I got in 2022 was a freaking job that included PTO and benefits. Hell, I might even be able to save some cash that won’t be stolen by an ex-wife in 2023.

...that the holidays tend to remind me of my objective failures to marry well. At least there’s whiskey and Christmas movies to salve the brutal reality.

...that I’ll stop asking random people how old they think I am because that shit is as old as I am.

...that I will limit the age range of women I may date to 50-65. I will seek out only those with naturally grey hair. I will aggressively avoid women who see sex as a weapon of empowerment. Basically, I will not date.