by Don Hall

Brad William Henke, a former NFL player known for his role as Tom Cullen in the latest television version of The Stand, has died at 56 years old.

I'm 56 years old.

A side character in the recent Netflix mega-hit Wednesday with a full white beard and looking as old as the hills is killed by a monster. When the title character goes to the morgue to check out the body, she mentions he was fifty years old.

I'm 56 years old.

I certainly love the happy bullshit that dictates "You're only as old as you feel" but reality is simple: you are as old as you are in the number of years you've been alive with no regard whatsoever of how you feel about it. It's a nutty thing that, as a modem of control in a world that simply refuses to be, we double down on the idea that reality can be bent by our self esteem. Reality is just that and no matter how you feel about it isn't going to change. So we spin tales to influence our behavior.

Back in 1984, my mom was concerned about my future. One of her methods was to put my name on lists of interest in the military. Consequently, I was visited six times my senior year by recruiters doing their level best to convince me that a stint in the service was the way to go. At the time, each interaction felt like Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in Stripes as I thought I was taking the piss out of these stiff men. In hindsight, I was just a smartass kid disregarding a life these men believed in enough to devote a solid chunk of their lives to. I'm certain each thought I was a little prick and they'd be right.

My stepfather, on the other hand, was a very successful defense attorney and had decided that with my excelling in debate in high school that he would pay for my college if I promised to go to law school. Again, a smartass with distinct but undefined anti-authoritarian tendencies, I denigrated the idea. I was so dismissive of the idea of becoming a lawyer and instead devoting my time to be a contrarian artist that his response was to decide I was on my own. No assistance whatsoever. In fact, for my birthday mid-year, he gifted me luggage and a bill for rent and told me to choose.

I was determined to go my own way, eschewing the suggestions and advise of all who cared about my future in terms of security, stability, and of course, money.

I am 56 years old and, in a recent background check for a gig at a local Kansas casino, I had to list my assets. The section was left blank. No savings (because my third ex-wife took all of that but also because of decades of my own short-term financial planning), no property (except a cubicle of furniture in storage and my computing devices), no assets. At least Henke had a few of those asset-like things and was well known enough to merit a few mentions in media when he croaked.

I look around and one of the professions cleaning up is law. Lawyers are making serious bank on stupid lawsuits designed to appease the moral indignation of people looking to game the system by way of legislation.

France’s highest court has ruled that a man fired by a consulting firm for failing to go out for drinks with his colleagues was wrongfully dismissed.

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A Florida woman is accusing Kraft Heinz of misleading advertising, based on the time it takes to prepare a single-serving cup of microwavable mac and cheese.

While the company markets its Velveeta Shells & Cheese as being "ready in 3 1/2" minutes, Amanda Ramirez says that's only the amount of time each cup needs to be microwaved — and that the actual preparation process, from stirring in water to letting the cheese sauce thicken, takes longer (she does not specify how much).

A 15-page class-action lawsuit filed earlier this month alleges that parent company Kraft Heinz sells more of the product, and at a higher price, than it would if it didn't mislead consumers about the pasta's prep time.

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A 78-year-old man was promised he would always have a job with the town golf course “as long as he wanted one” before he was fired after working there for 18 years, according to a federal lawsuit filed in Maine.

Gary Rees, who worked as a seasonal golf professional at the Val Halla Golf Course in Cumberland, says he was fired over his age.

When the manager of the golf course, who is the head golf pro, fired Rees in January 2021, he told him that “Val Halla wanted to go in a ‘younger direction’ next season,” according to a complaint filed in federal court on Nov. 28.

Around the same time, Rees says two other older employees were fired as well.

Now he is suing the town of Cumberland, which operates the golf course, and is accusing it of violating the Age Discrimination in Employment Act of 1967 by firing him. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission granted Rees the right to sue in August, the complaint states.

I blame The People's Court. As soon as petty civil disputes became entertainment, as soon as neighbors suing neighbors over fence disputes become fodder for fun, as soon as the law became more spectacle than substance, the fix was in. Lawyers spend a lot of time and money becoming lawyers and most aren't in it for the justice. That sweet cash that comes from suing businesses and wealthy individuals is just too tempting.

Las Vegas is littered with billboards for lawyers looking to represent you in disputes against hotels and casinos. Hell, even a burg like Wichita has more ads for attorneys looking to represent you than anything but pharmaceuticals for the elderly.

No matter how ridiculous your lawsuit and your perceived injury, the lawyers get paid whether you win or lose. This isn't the grand gesture of King Solomon threatening to chop the baby in half because most people in this litigious hellscape would prefer the baby dead anyway.

The Swifties are out for blood. According to TMZ, fans of Taylor Swift have filed a lawsuit against Ticketmaster following the infamous presale for Swift’s “Eras” tour that took place last month.

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A judge agreed to let TGI Fridays off the hook in a class action lawsuit that claims a TGI Fridays-branded mozzarella stick snack is misleading because it contains no mozzarella cheese, but also ruled the lawsuit can proceed against the food's manufacturer. 

The lawsuit was filed in federal court in 2021 by Amy Joseph against TGI Fridays and snack manufacturer Inventure Foods over their snack product, “TGI Fridays Mozzarella Sticks Snacks”.

Joseph claims the product is misbranded and misleads consumers into believing it contains mozzarella cheese, when it in fact only contains cheddar. 

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Cardi B may be facing legal action over her 2022 Halloween costume. As you may recall, Bardi dressed up as Marge Simpson draped in Thierry Mugler and an artist, aleXsandro Palombo, has accused the “Up” rapper of appropriating his work without consent. The Bronx superstar’s look is similar to Palombo’s 2013 Marge Simpsons Style Icon series.

The story I tell myself is that if I had taken the largesse from my stepfather and become one with the law, I'd tell these idiots they're wasting everyone's time with this braindead grasp at unearned wealth but my guess is that I shouldn't be a lawyer for the same reason I shouldn't own a gun. I don't ever want to own a gun because I'm the kind of person who would probably use it and I never want to be a guy who used a gun.

In a recent interview for a gig doing promotions and events for a series of radio stations, the guy asked if the money was right for the work.

"Have you seen my resume? Does it look like I do anything for a serious paycheck? Public school teacher, theater producer, public radio events director. If money was my motivation, I think I'd have started doing things that actually paid something, amiright?"

If money were the object, the best I could hope for would be to claim victim status and start suing companies. Remembering that I'm 56 years old and could drop dead at any second from just being in my fifties, time is a wasting.

Anyone want to join a class action lawsuit against Applebee's for serving shitty food?