by Joe Janes

Dear Wealthy Republicans!

You may have heard claims recently from Rep. Madison Cawthorn that the GOP holds orgies. We have officially denounced the claim and have reprimanded Cawthorn, but rest assured… 

the orgy is still on!!!

With your donation of $250,000 (or more!), you get free access to next Saturday’s Mar-A-Lago bacchanal. 

Your donation gets you:

• A free glass of champagne

• Free hors d’oeuvres to keep that energy up

• A photo with President Trump

• Complimentary white sheets that can be fashioned into togas or, you know, any other occasion where wearing a white sheet is appropriate

• A lecture in one of our breakout rooms warning about the dangers of gay sex with Sen. Lindsey Graham

• Jerry Fallwell, Jr., will host His Glory Hole in tribute to the almighty Lord

• Childcare provided by Rep. Matt Gaetz

• Playful pillow fights courtesy of Mike Lindell (please sign the waiver regarding injuries)

  
  

We respect family values at the GOP. The only sanctioned sexual positions at the orgy are missionary and anything that involves female-to-male oral sex. Any deviations from this is cause for ejection. No debauchery is allowed at the orgy. We will not stand for another “tea bagging” incident like last time with Jim Jordan and Josh Hawley. 

Here’s the itinerary:

7:00pm - 7:30pm - Cocktails and Mingling (clothes on)

7:30pm - 7:35pm - Opening Prayer

7:35pm - 7:45pm - Orgy

7:45pm - 8:00pm - Afterglow (towels and hand sanitizer provided)

Donate today! We hope you will come.*

Sincerely,

Ronna McDaniel

RNC Chairwoman

*The GOP does not guarantee an orgasm.