by Joe Janes

Famed playwright David Mamet has revisited his most iconic work and has revised it to fit his political views. 

BLAKE: Let me have your attention for a moment. 'Cause you're talkin' about what...you're talkin' 'bout...bitchin' about income inequity, some son of a bitch don't want you to have an abortion, somebody don't want you wearing a mask, some broad you're trying to screw has you in the friend zone and you’re okay with that because you respect her feelings, so forth, let's talk about something important. (sees Sheldon pouring a soda). Put that Diet Coke down. Diet Coke's for MAGAs only. You think I'm fuckin' with you? I am not fuckin' with you. I'm here from Florida. I'm here from Trump and the NRC. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Levine? And you're poor?

SHELDON: Yeah. 

BALDWIN: You call yourself a patriot, you son of a bitch. 

DAVE: I don't gotta listen to this shit. 

BLAKE: You certainly don't pal 'cause the good news is you're banned. The bad news is you got all you got, just one day to stop being a loser liberal elite, starting with today. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to our True American contest. As you all know, first prize is a weekend at Mar-A-Lago and a picture with my president, Donald J. Trump. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a nylon t-shirt with Trump on it firing an UZI and looking like Rambo. Third prize is you’re banned from the RNC and Trump rallies. You get the picture? You laughing now? 

SHELDON: Libs are weak. 

BLAKE: The libs are weak. Good try. The fuckin' libs are weak? You're weak. 

DAVE: What's your name? 

BLAKE: Fuck you, that's my name. Follow me on Twitter. You drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a red, white, and blue Hummer with a bumper sticker that says “I fucked your honor student legally in Tennessee”. That's my name. (Flips the blackboard) ABC. A, Always, B, Be, C, Conservative. Always be conservative. Always be conservative. What's the problem, pal? 

DAVE: You, boss, you're such a hero, you're so rich, how come you're coming here and wasting your time with such a bunch of un-Americans? 

BLAKE: You see this watch? You see this watch? 

DAVE: Yeah. 

BLAKE: That watch costs more than your car. I made 970,000 dollars last year thanks to tax cuts for the rich, deregulation, and lack of oversight on COVID relief programs. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father. Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You want to be MAGA here, walk like you got a big gun and stop reading banned books. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock-sucker. If you don't like it, leave the country. Get mad you son-of-a-bitch. Get mad. Brown foreign people are taking your jobs. Libs want to shut everything down and control you by making you wear a mask. Teachers want to touch your children and make them gay. You don’t man up, you know what you'll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: ''Oh yeah, I used to be an American. It's a tough racket. Now I just want to live in the chaos and squalor of abortions and socialism. Where’s my free government paid for watered down beer?'' You want to be a patriot, grow some balls and stand up for Trump and the American flag. Now, let’s open this polling station. We’ve got an election to claim was rigged. The line’s a quarter-mile long.