by Joe Janes

Dear Beloved Employees,

It has been a difficult few years as we have dealt with a global pandemic. Your ability to adapt to remote work was swift and inspiring. As we are now in the waning days of COVID, we long to see your faces in person and justify the rent we have been paying on our high-rise office suites. We want your transition to working at work to be smooth. We have listened to your concerns and present to you the following new programs and policies. 

•  We have flipped our dress code policy. Wear your well-worn dirty sweat pants whenever you want. Fridays are dress-up days - please, at least wear pants - and that’s the only day we’ll invite clients to the office.

• Bring Your Pet and/or Child to Work Day is now every day. Your companion/offspring are welcome at our offices and are able to roam free and may also take advantage of our free snacks and coffee.

• Packages may now be delivered to the office. No judgments.

• Wish to cut down on your commute time? Feel free to turn your cubicle into your home away from home. Hammocks and cots are available for you.

• Sometimes you just want some alone time, right? That’s cool. We have installed soundproof windowless isolation chambers with Wi-Fi. Work or listen to music or do whatever, we can’t see or hear you. We’ll just take comfort in knowing you are there.

• Other incentives include free DisneyPlus, unless you now hate Disney because they say the word “gay” then we have ParamountPlus where gay is just implied and considered science fiction.

• We can’t promise we won’t have any meetings that could have been handled by email, but we’ll try. We’re not perfect, though. So we do promise each meeting will involve precut bagels and a variety of cream cheeses with proper “schmearing” utensils. And an omelet station.

• Your boss will no longer have an “open door” policy so you no longer have to look at “that”. 

• Tattoo Tuesdays - Show us your tats, get a tat from a pro in the break room, or do one yourself with ink and paper clips from the supply closet. Bonuses will be considered for employees getting our logo inked onto their bodies. The more sensitive the skin, the higher the bonus.

• We will no longer monitor what sites you visit on your computer. That’s your business! Do whatever you want. Just keep in mind why your boss now has to close his door and that your cubicle does not have one.

• Our hours are now officially loosey-goosey. Come in every day, or not, whenever you want. Adjust your hours to avoid traffic, avoid spouses, sleep in, etc.

• Coffee hoses and Nutella hoses capped with baby bottles will now be available at your desk and will hang down over your computer. No need to get up for sustenance. Suckle them at will.

We look forward to seeing your smiling faces, no matter how forced they may appear.

Now, let’s get to work!

Your HR Department