written by Joe Janes

According to Canada’s Moose News, when most Americans would be celebrating the Fourth of July devouring questionable hot dogs and terrorizing animals and war vets with fireworks, caravans of immigrants from the United States are heading toward their southern borders seeking asylum.

Canadians are worried Americans will take their beers. And clog their universal healthcare system. But, mostly, it’s about the beer. And coffee.

While Prime Minister Justin Trudeau expressed concern over the direction America is taking with recent decisions by the Supreme Court of the United States, he said,  “Canada must do what’s necessary to stop the massive inflow of people and complicated coffee orders.”

Many members of Parliament are demanding Trudeau secure their border and build a wall, or, at least build more Tim Hortons.

More sympathetic Canadians are concerned that Americans will have to go back into the states to wait for their immigration hearing. For many Americans, this will endanger their lives as many border towns are near Planned Parenthoods and state capitals. The USA is fraught with danger, particularly from organized criminal groups known as Christians and politicians. Most migrants are trying to escape an abusive controlling domestic relationship with their government.

Rumors that Americans reaching the border are being separated from their dogs is being investigated, although one immigrant who wished to remain anonymous said, “How am I going to update Ludlow the Good Boy’s Instagram account?”

According to Canadian Border Security, the “caravans” are long lines of Priuses, most only carrying one or two people in energy saving air-conditioned comfort, heading from Washington State, Michigan, and New York into Vancouver, Windsor, and Niagara. They hope to live their lives without persecution from a Christian nation and get a better view of the falls.