by Don Hall

According to recent* polling:

66% of Americans believe that President Biden is failing.
50% of Americans believe that trans issues are being exaggerated.
100% of Americans believe that New York pizza is the best pizza.
33% of Americans believe that diversity in the workplace is important.
40% of Americans believe that reading comprehension is overrated.

I'm a proponent of using data over feelings when it comes to determining my investment in the current dysfunctional nature of Americans these days. Yes, I'm the cat who, when he reads a headline that states unequivocally that NUCLEAR ENERGY SHOWN TO BE SEXIST, RACIST, AND ABLEIST IN RECENT STUDY, goes to the study and reads it to parse out fact from fiction. When I read an article in the New York Times that links to a Pew poll that indicates that 87% of Hispanic Americans loathe the term LatinX I click the link to see if that is truth or bullshit. I read a headline that tells me ‌Candace Cameron Bure Posted A Five-Minute Video Explaining Why JoJo Siwa Called Her The Rudest Celeb She's Ever Met, I think "I don't know who the fuck these people are so who gives a shit?"

Not long ago, as I was checking out a Gallup poll about something highly partisan claiming to define the sides of yet another boutique cultural issue, it occurred to me that in 56 years, I had never been a part of one of these vaunted polls. Following up that thought was the realization that I didn';t know anyone who had been polled by Pew or Gallup despite living in a list of cities and states. Later, as this dilemma spiraled in my sun-soaked brain at the pool, I asked the burley dude sunning a few chairs away "Hey. Dude. Have you ever participated in one of those Gallup polls?" He had not.

I asked the six or seven adults out at the pool and none of us had ever been asked to be one of the poll people. Who are these people they ask? How many of them are there? Are they the same set of individuals who determine the results? What are the questions and how are they skewed?

Time to get busy.

The next day, I headed over to the 7-Eleven on the Sahara. I decided to do some of my own Literate Ape polling*.

I wore a shirt and tie in 111˚ heat, had a clipboard, and asked people if they would consent to answering one question for an official poll. Everyone (including the homeless guy who resembled an emaciated Kid Rock) agreed and answered. All told, I received polling data from eighteen Americans currently either living in or visiting Las Vegas, Nevada. Demographics covered included 22-34, 35-54, 55-67, White, African American, Hispanic American, and whatever ethnicity and age Kid Rock represented. Ten women, eight men.

The results (with scrutiny):

66% of Americans believe that President Biden is failing. I asked three people "How's Joe Biden doing as president so far?"

50% of Americans believe that trans issues are being exaggerated. Two people were asked "Trans Issues: Mountain or Molehill?"

100% of Americans believe that New York pizza is the best pizza. Kid Rock answered affirmatively to the question "Is New York Pizza the best?" I don't think he knew the difference between an NYC slice and any other kind of pizza nor if he actually understood the question.

33% of Americans believe that diversity in the workplace is important. Three people (Black, white, Hispanic) were asked. Only the white woman thought diversity was important.

40% of Americans believe that reading comprehension is overrated. Ten people. Six thought reading comprehension was either a good thing or "Yeah. It's OK." Four hated reading and prefer social media to reading.

The entire experiment reminded me of the doctor recommendations of smoking unfiltered cigarettes because they are good for your "T" zone in the 1950s, the 4 out of 5 dentists who recommend Trident, and the back and forth in medical studies that either encourage coffee drinking as healthy or as the cause of early dementia.

This is not to say that these official national polls are as full of shit as my Literate Ape polls. Both Gallup and Pew have methodologies in place and, if you look into each set of results you can find out the exact phrasing of the questions and the select grouping of people polled but, for Chrissakes, don't just accept these results as fact.

In case you were wondering, the average children for Literate Ape editors is 1 and the average divorces for that demographic is 1.5. Them's the facts.