...that videogames are now officially more productive and better for you than social media (unless you’re playing online and then it’s exactly as shitty as social media).

...that it takes two to tango unless your dance partner is tangoing with a multitude of others and you are left holding your tango shoes like a schmuck.

...that in contrast with the highly scientific Literate Ape Poll results, Detroit-style pizza is the best.

...that when you name one son Harry and the other son Jake, you better be investing in a bar for them instead of college.

...that kindness is not weakness. Outrage is not character. Age is not old. Cheese, on the other hand, is a gift from the gods on the mountains of Olympus.