By David Himmel

• My dream home has a washer and dryer upstairs.

• Has five years of successful therapy taken away the burning need to write?

• I really miss getting drunk and talking for hours about all of it with my pals. It just doesn’t happen enough. Oh, sure, we talk, but it lacks that extra lubrication alcohol and time provide.

• Our marital bed has become a patchwork of breastmilk, dog puke, and preschooler nosebleed splatter. What’s more romantic than that?

• Hell for me is having Don Henley narrate my life’s failures back to me for all eternity. Occasionally to the tune of Hotel California.

• We all love Jason Bateman but I think what the world needs now is more Justine Bateman.