By Don Hall

Dear Literate Ape—

I have a problem that you might be able to help me with. My seven-year-old son loves Dwayne Johnson. He watches anything he can that includes him. Recently, he decided that he wanted to be just like him. I encouraged this because Johnson seems to be a decent guy, promotes a healthy lifestyle by working out, and I remember what it was like to be a kid and want to be someone special, aspiring to that goal. When I was his age, I wanted to be a cowboy, then an acrobat, and then a golfer. He's even decided that we all call him The Rock and wants to change his legal name to that. When we call him “Brian” he loses his composure, cries, screams, and runs to his room. Yes, it's a little weird but don't all kids want a nickname?

The problem that I'm struggling with is that he now wants to be tattooed like The Rock. He is insistent that I take him to get ink permanently on his body. I told him he'd need to wait on that until he's a little older (because I'm sure he'll outgrow this and move on to a different aspiration) but his elementary school counselor has doubled down. She claims by denying him the tattoos, I am putting his mental health at risk. Further, the school has informed me that they officially support his choice to get tattooed and plan on referring him to a local tattoo artist in the next week.

I have a sinking feeling that he's going to get some huge tribal symbol on his chest and by the time he's ten regret it awfully. Isn't that more damaging to his mental health than taking the word of a seven-year-old and running with it?

INKAVERSE DAD

Dear INKAVERSE—

We are currently in a watershed moment when it comes to tattoos. The RATs (Radical Activist Tattooists) have mobilized on social media and put immense pressure on schools and mental health professionals. The campaign claims that kids who desire tattoos are autonomous beings whose wishes about what to do with their bodies must be adhered to and, if not, risks severe psychic damage and could lead to suicide.

While a bit histrionic in nature, the campaign has taken hold. Anyone pointing out that tattoos are permanent changes on young people we won't even allow to work or vote or drink alcohol and shouldn't be indulged by parents is automatically trolled online, doxxed at their jobs, swarmed by protests, and called racist (as most tattoos can be found on Latino skin—I mean, watch Breaking Bad or Sons of Anarchy for confirmation), classist (as no one on Downton Abbey or The Good Fight have ink), and fascist (because, well, if it isn't 100 percent progressive, it's by default fascist).

It's all a part of a trend that makes everyone a customer. College students demanding what can and cannot be taught in classes, parents lobbying to ban certain books from being available to children, and major corporations capitulating (at least in their marketing if not practice) to the loudest, most complaint-oriented groups of consumers. Face it. Your child is no longer your child but your customer just as you are a customer for the government rather than an active participant. The RATs are seeking power by demanding full deference to the tattoo'd community just as you and your wife demand the government enact laws that you want on the books but don't actually do anything to promote. Based on your Google Data (Literate Ape purchased it so we could sell you shit you don't need and Google was happy to oblige) you really hate the Electoral College and gerrymandering but all you've done about it is post things on social media about the people who support both.

Our advice is to go ahead and let him get his tattoos. Sure, it's highly likely he'll be mortified in a few years, will blame you for not protecting him from childish whim, and the cost of removing the tattoos will be painful as well as expensive (the school counselor ain't paying for it) but such is the price to be paid indulging children and activists.