By David Himmel

• I just swallowed a multivitamin without any water or any other kind of liquid. I’m going to make someone a wonderful wife—or husband?—some day.

• Serious question for women: When you put your Birkenstocks on, can you hear every straight man’s penis shriveling up, dying, and falling off?

• I sucked my thumb as a little kid. And now, I’m so far removed from those days that I can’t tell you what it feels like to suck my thumb. But I remember exactly what that feeling is like. It’s become this intangible description. So now, I can only use the feeling of sucking one’s thumb to describe something else. It’s a bit of an if you know, you know situation. Like, having a three-beer buzz and bowling a strike is kinda like sucking your thumb.

• She-Hulk: Attorney at Law is smashing the argument that anything produced by marginalized people is automatically good. Bad writing is an equal opportunity employer.

• I find running to remain healthy and, therefore, live longer is even more enjoyable when I run through cemeteries. It’s like having the quietest cheering section every step of the way.

• I was told by my son that I was the worst daddy in the whole world ever. It’s nice to be at the top of such a long and storied list of failed fathers.