by Joe Janes

Chester Clayborn, 52, of Port Clinton, Ohio has filed a lawsuit against Ottawa County, where he resides, to allow him to lawfully marry a fictional character.

When asked which fictional character he wants to marry, he replied, “Let’s just say I’m on the market, ladies, and open to possibilities. On my list are April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Princess Leia (original trilogy), and Counselor Troi (Star Trek: The Next Generation TV show). I’m open to different species, too. It’s not just about hot humanoid body types. I think a big slug-like Hutt would be really interesting. I also have a crush on Anna Kendrick, but I have heard she may not be fictional which would significantly limit my chances.”

Clayborn says he discovered his attachment to fictional characters while on a blind date. “We were at the Frisch’s Big Boy on Perry Street and, you know, making what people call small talking, and she asked me about my family. I told her all about them and how some of them serve in Starfleet and some of them are resistance fighters. A few live in a shire. I told her the toughest thing about being middle-aged is watching your parents grow old. Jean-Luc Picard, my dad, is way up there and, even though he’s an android, he’s still programmed to die of natural causes. Natural causes for a human, not an android. My other dad, Luke Skywalker, passed away a few years ago, but, because of him being a Jedi and The Force and all, I feel like he is always with me.

Then she asked if I just got off work because of my uniform. Wow. No. I don’t work at the Best Buy. This is my Starfleet Academy uniform which she also recommended I wash. Sigh.

She had no idea what I was talking about, so, I tapped my communicator and ordered Geordi to beam me up. Nothing happened, so when the bill came, we just split it, even though she ordered the popcorn shrimp appetizer and ate most of it. I’m a gentleman. I learned that from my aunt, Dr. Beverly Crusher. She’s awesome. If she wasn’t my aunt, I would totally marry her, but then Wesley would go from being my cousin to being my son and he’s annoying.”

As they left the restaurant, Clayborn declared there would not be a second date and his blind date said he should date someone from Battle Stars or whatever. “She was being sarcastic,” Clayborn said, “but I think she was on to something. I should be with someone who makes me happy.”

County Commissioner Saul Tribble commented about the lawsuit, “We’re looking into it. It really hinges on legal consent and if the fictional character is able to take their wedding vows. I know with all this AL stuff, it’s likely they could. We’re also worried that this could open up the floodgates for people to marry cartoon characters, characters from literature, historical figures, too. What if someone wants to marry Frankenstein’s monster? Do we need to get permission of all the fictional people who make up his body parts? I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

Chester Clayborn spends most of his time in his studio apartment above the Family Dollar store. While Clayborn anxiously awaits the court’s decision, he is actively looking for a potential bride while binge-watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and occasionally shouting “Hey!” to see if any of the characters turn and look at him. His landlord has asked him to keep it down and to please crack open a window.