Ambivalence: On Disagreeing with Those You Love
I’ll start with a confession: I've been feeling ambivalent about Literate Ape for a while. I’m grateful for the opportunities and encouragement Don and David have given me. I’ve even said I love each of them (to be clear, in a writerly, friendly way, and not in a yucky, mushy way). Some things they write I agree with, but some of it makes me cringe. Often I feel like Don Hall presents feminism, critical race theory, and LGBTQ+ (especially transgender) issues, etc. in a dismissive, unnuanced, misleading way.
And then I’m presented with a dilemma. Do I ignore it? Do I try to counter it in some way? How? By directly arguing? But how to do that in a way that is more “calling in” than “calling out”? If I confront it in writing on the internet, does that call more attention to something that was admittedly off-the-cuff, meant to be provocative and funny, rather than serious and thought-out?
And why do I care? Why am I so bothered? I spend more time and energy being bothered and worried about what Don Hall writes than he spends writing it or anyone else does reading it. And David writes things that bother me too, though not as much as Don does. When David writes that Birkenstocks on women are boner-killers (to paraphrase), do I need to confront him with counterexamples from my own lived experience, calling attention to the fact that plenty of people find me sexy even when I’m wearing my Birkenstock clogs? Does it matter at all? Well, I guess it matters to me since I cringe at the idea that people should have to wear certain types of stereotypic, gender-specific attire to be considered attractive.
It’s inevitable and acceptable that people will disagree. People of good will and intellectual integrity can disagree, even when they are basically, generally, on the same side. And it doesn’t have to involve any personal animosity.
It occurs to me, though, if what is being debated is one’s right to exist as a full human being as a member of a perceived (socially constructed, historical, or essentialist) identity group, then that does strike me as personal.
I absolutely agree that people have the right to disagree and express different viewpoints. After all, there is no true objectivity, no view from nowhere. No one knows everything, and it’s possible, and often desirable, to take in new information and change one’s mind or question some assumption or belief previously taken for granted, even something considered to be an element of so-called “common sense.”
ADDITIONALLY, AND ON THE OTHER HAND, BUT ALSO ON THE SAME HAND … I am seriously worried about the global rise of authoritarian populism and proto-fascist rhetoric, among other things. Sometimes when I’m out and about, I feel compelled to mention to casual acquaintances and total strangers that fascism is not fun. Fascism is not fun and I don’t like it. And I think other people won’t like it either, even though right now, some talk as if they would, as they parrot the manipulative, insidious lies being spoon-fed to them by politicians and gurus with agendas.
Wait, do I sound judgmental, opinionated, like an overly dramatic doom-and-gloom Cassandra? Sigh. Well then, so be it.
Disagreeing with friends and loved ones is a recurring theme in my life. And by “disagreeing,” I mean I’m appalled I live on the same planet with people who harbor racist, sexist, ableist, classist, ageist, sizeist, anti-immigrant, anti-LGBTQ+ notions and amuse themselves by casually disparaging and otherizing whole categories of people.
What does this have to do with an offhand, sexist joke, a below-the-belt jab at a transgender or queer person, or an anti-immigrant Facebook post?
I sense the worst trends are getting worse, and, like a death by a thousand cuts, the aggregation of demeaning jokes based on false assumptions and stereotypes, together with all the microaggressions and misinformation and disinformation, will help pave our collective way to an increasingly oppressive, dystopian nightmare that we won’t like and won’t be able to escape from. And when I say “we,” I mean all of us, all the people, and the animals and plants too, and being white or straight or rich won’t protect or save you or me or anyone.
Hate crimes are on the rise.
Whether history repeats or rhymes, it’s not looking or sounding good, IMHO.
Yeah, I know I’m not cheerful. But I’m fun at parties. Sometimes.
What does this have to do with Don and David and Literate Ape?
David and Don are lovely people, nice guys, generous in more ways than one. They genuinely have love and appreciation and enthusiasm for their fellow humans and their stories.
It’s a problem of association. I don’t want people to think I condone an unfair caricature of transgender people, or any other sexist, sizeist, ableist, etc. crap either.
But I do wholeheartedly support freedom of expression.
In my life I have had a tendency to be an avoider, a deserter, a burner of bridges. To be fair, I’ve also had a tendency to stay in situations for way too long, exhausting myself and every possible strategy to make something work that couldn’t. Square peg in round hole. But sometimes there may be reasons for giving people chances to be not awful, as opposed to packing up all of one’s toys, going home, and never setting foot in the playground again.
By posting on this site, I’m not saying that I agree with everything on here. What I do agree with is providing a forum for a diverse group of writers to express and explore ideas (and feelings and experiences, etc.). And rather than refusing to participate and choosing to run and hide, I’m taking the opportunity to have my thoughts and poems appear in juxtaposition to those of others, in the hope of expanding the range of views available.
More later. Maybe.
Here are a couple of links just for fun:
On the social construction of race: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/race-is-a-social-construct-scientists-argue/
History lessons from Noam Chomsky: https://www.bostonreview.net/articles/the-proto-fascist-guide-to-destroying-the-world/