by Don Hall

Tom Hanks is sitting around a filmed round table with Robert De Niro, Jamie Foxx, Shia Leboeuf, Adam Sandler, Adam Driver—you know, an actor’s thing—and at one point he says “I wish I had known that this too shall pass. You feel bad right now, feel pissed, feel angry? This too shall pass. You feel great? You feel like you know all the answers? You feel everybody finally gets you? This too shall pass. Time is your ally and, if nothing else, just wait. Just wait it out.”

True words and worth heeding. Hanks has been on top and bottom for longer than a lot of us have drawn breath so it’s wisdom from someone who knows.

Decades ago, when I first came to Chicago, my mom wanted to see me on the Oprah Winfrey show. Tickets were free and getting into the audience was easy. I got in and the topic of the day was a group of women—all pretty hefty—reclaiming the term “fat.” They thought that by making a stand that being fat was a good thing, that one could be terribly overweight and still be healthy, they could burn down the stigma. Of course, in order to get on TV, I ended up getting into a televised argument with a big ol’ fat broad across the aisle about it. Not my finest moment but I accomplished the goal.

Decades later, we see an entire movement, citing inclusivity, called “body positivity” which is just another way of claiming that fat people are sexy and should be put in bathing suits on the covers of magazines. Aligning itself with notions of feminism, this parade of plus-size women fighting for everything from free extra seats on airplanes to inclusion in the Victoria’s Secret models and Dove commercials has been pretty successful.

This too shall pass.

2023 brought three billion dollar phenomena that slaps the blubbery jowls of this entire concept revealing a deep hypocrisy underneath the fleshy folds of this “fat is healthy and beautiful” mantra.

Margot Robbie as Barbie, Taylor Swift as Queen of Everything, and Ozempic®.

The two most profitable entertainments in the world are two skinny, pretty, blonde, white girls. Sure, there’s a fat Barbie and a black barbie but the star of the show is skinny and beautiful. Certainly, Swift employs dancers of all sizes but she is the main event and she looks practically Aryan and perfect. The most profitable drug is the one that can make you skinny overnight with no effort whatsoever and those trumpeting their fatness, despite COVID targeting the fatties hardest, are buying this drug like it was crack cocaine and they lived in Atlanta in the eighties. Turns out that being a bit rounder in the waist isn’t actually as desirable as the body positivity anthem sings, it was just harder without a semiglutide to replace self control and walking.

There isn’t a damn thing wrong with being overweight. You do you and if it puts a tremendous strain on your heart and gives you diabetes, rock on. It’s even sexy to really skinny guys and rappers. I was a fat guy once. One Boxing Day, I went to my mom’s gym with she and my second ex-wife. I tried the stationary bike and was winded after two minutes. I went to the weights and had no lifting power at all. One of my mom’s friends who knew me when I was in high school recognized me. “Are you Donnie? Jackie’s kid? Wow, you got fat!”

When I got back to Chicago, I joined a gym, and lost eighty pounds in a year and a half. I’ve been slightly unnerved about my weight ever since. Then, I lost the weight so I’d look good and get laid. Now, I work out and watch my weight because, if I manage to live to eighty, I’d like to be able to walk and lift things in leiu of being invalid like those idiots on My 600 Pound Life.

If one studies even the most thumbnail sketches of history, especially cultural history, one can plainly see the circles we collectively run in. We are a cyclical bunch. As soon as a cultural movement takes hold it is just a matter of time before it flips only to return later.

Republicans banning books? Been there. done that.
Donald Trump will eventually die.
Once the transgender movement realizes they have all the same civil rights as the rest of us, they’ll calm down.

Hell, the fight against capitalism was something I was born into, reversed itself into the “Greed is good” decade, came back to Occupy Wall Street, switched to “The way to fight Al Queda is to go out and buy stuff,” and revised as Bernie Sanders. Cyclical creatures.

So calm down, embrace the beauty standards of pretty, blonde, thin women, and take your weight loss drugs (owned in part by Oprah Winfrey). This too shall pass.