By David Himmel

• Complaining about Valentine’s Day as a Hallmark holiday and a load of crap is a waste of your breath. You’re right, but the same goes for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Patriot Day. So, just buy your cards and chocolate, or drink your lonely self to sleep and move on.

• When dealing with human behavior, you’re allowed any emotion except surprise.

• Florida is America’s limp penis, and it is in dire need of receiving a botched circumcision.

• One good thing that’s come from the childish behavior of the GOP is that it shows American children that to succeed in life you don’t have to be smart, kind, calm, respectful, or ever held accountable. Act like a preschooler in need of a nap and you, too, can become a member of Congress—even the President!

• “The Final Countdown” remains the greatest song for any occasion.

• Pulling my wife’s hair from the shower drain makes me feel like a really, really great husband.