by Joe Janes

Dear Student,

Congratulations on being selected to pursue the study of the arcane arts at Hogwarts Public School of Witchcraft and Wizardry here in St. Louis.

As a student of our institution, you will be trained in the use of the most powerful forms of magic, as long as you pay your lab fees and your parents have signed waivers relieving us of all liability. You will have access to our library, which now has fewer books since many of them have been banned for either their unflattering depictions of America or use of spells that sound like offensive words (see carnelingus, carpe  muncher, and sniggeroo). You will also receive mentorship from experienced underpaid faculty and unqualified substitute teachers who will herd you in your journey towards mastering the magical arts in classrooms filled with 30-50 students.

Please be advised that our school has a rigorous academic program, and we expect our students to uphold the highest standards of conduct, ethics, and discipline. By this, we mean, please just show up and don’t be a problem. If you don’t bother to show up, quite frankly, it’s a relief to your teachers. Just don’t come back during the day unannounced. We have protection spells, they are called metal detectors manned by ex-cops. Wands can be powerful, but often fail in a contest against automatic rifles.

Rest assured, we will have safety drills to train you and our staff in the event of an active shooter or demon or troll, etc.

We have a cafeteria that serves the best food we can afford to put on a tray as long as you pay for it. Failure to pay may result in begging or starvation, both of which are grounds for expulsion at Hogwarts – St. Louis. 

Please bring the following. Nothing. Hogwarts can no longer allow students to possess wands as we have had to field multiple lawsuits, not over misuse of magic, but people getting their eyes poked out, sometimes by accident. Brooms are allowed, but only for sweeping, which you are welcome to do since our janitorial staff has suffered from budget cuts. Teachers are the only ones allowed to have wands in their classrooms.

On your first day, you can be expected to be sorted into our four houses. Republican, Stupid Liberal, Christian, and Terrorist.

 
Sincerely,

Principal Albertus Pete Mort Lenny Dumbledorski,

Hogwarts Public School of Witchcraft and Sorcery – St.Louis

P.S. There has been some misunderstanding over whether or not we allow trans students. We allow students who are able to transform into other creatures. Only that. Our official policy, via our founder and school board, is “No Weirdos”. Our bathrooms are binary and litter boxes may only be used by students whose parents provide a note of permission, proof of transmogrification, and fresh litter.