by Joe Janes

….and – poof! – The drag queen has been sawed in half! I, The Great DeSantis, will not be putting the two pieces back together. I will send them to a public library and let them worry about reassembling Lotta Liberal in the children’s section and then order them to be shut down. They’ll have plenty of space for this scary man-in-a-dress now that we have banned all books in Florida. Except for mine. You can make yours appear in the lobby for $20 after the show. Thank you, thank you.

I have also outlawed The Magic Kingdom at Disney World. The park that promoted princesses and fairies to our children was just too gay. By law, they must now refer to themselves as The Straight Kingdom in DeSantisland. Thank you, thank you.

Voila! All abortion clinics have now disappeared in Florida. Sinful women will have to drive to a liberal state to assassinate their babies. Given our effed-up toll system, it will cost more to get there than the abortion itself. Better to just raise on your own, without any welfare assistance, of course. Magic! Thank you, thank you.

For my final illusion, I have put 100 job-stealing illegal immigrants on to this jet airplane by promising them non-existent work and housing. I will make them and the jet disappear and reappear in Martha’s Vineyard where they have to fend for themselves! Expello! Thank you, thank you!

People keep asking me if I’m going to announce my run for president. That will be my greatest magic trick of all. I’ll make the last republican to hold that office look like a kid’s birthday party magician reject. I’m polishing my white boots (and matching hood) and will let you know soon. Weefuckto! Thank you, thank you. See you in the lobby.