by Joe Janes

Step right up, folks!

Get your tickets to

The Life Isn’t Fair Fair!

Something for everybody!

Before you enter, you must go through security. Oh, we don’t care if you have a gun. We want to make sure that if you have a penis you are wearing pants and if you don’t have a weiner, put on a dress. If you have both, for God’s sake, we’ll pick a lane for you! No drag queens allowed! We don’t want you ruining our heterosexual Christian children. Gay? Don’t say it out loud.

There are many great rides on the midway. Hold on to your hats and wallets for the Rent-A-Whirl. One ticket costs half of your monthly salary. Sounds like a lot, but the ride does last for a month. If you want to get a discount, buy the ride and stay on it for 30 years or more and pay for its upkeep.

Try your luck floating through the Tunnel of Love. Everyone gets their own dinghy, maybe yours meets up with another one for a bit, or not, it could be pleasant, or not, and then you leave the tunnel all alone.

One of our most popular rides is the Career Coaster! If there’s something you really love doing, we have somehow engineered a track to have more lows than highs with no pay off. If sure and steady is what you want, we have another track that goes nowhere quickly over a long period of time. Regardless of which track you choose, there will be nothing to show for it at the end.

Guess your weight? Guess your age? Nope. For one dollar, we’re just going to flat out tell you are fat and old. The only prize is a bag of popcorn topped with your tears that will cost you ten dollars.

Got a headache? Hurt your arm playing Whack-A-Troll? Feet aching from all the walking because our buses broke down? Visit our First Aid kiosk sponsored by Spirit Airlines. Everything costs you a lot of money. Even looking at it will cost you a dollar. Band-aids are $20 each. If you have to ask about the cost of aspirin, you can’t afford it.

Need a break, go to the Karma Center where you can do good things that go unrecognized or do bad things and not be punished. We’re sure it will all work out in the end.