by Don Hall

Much to my mother's chagrin, I'm not a Christian. She is both a devoted follower of Jesus Christ and a Searcher for Truth through that lens. Mom is the kind of Christian you want all of them to be—compassionate rather than empathetic, service oriented rather than parochial, studious rather than blindly accepting.

In my experience, there are three sorts of Christians: the overly enthusiastic but dimwitted, the sort my mom represents, and those who didn't get the memo that the Puritans were assholes.

The first type are easy to spot. They are constantly reminding you how blessed they are and end at least three out of four sentences with a "Praise Jesus" and a like upward. This is some serious performance whether the faith is there or not. I dated a young woman who started in on the nonstop Jesus referencing on the first date so I took her to see Videodrome. We didn't date after that.

The second are like my mother and are the reason people with no faith but in need of something uplifting in their lives wander into churches to see what's up. They are the ones who actually practice what the Prophet preached, witnessing their faith through example rather than words, and generally are the ones showing up to help with the homeless, the hungry, and the otherwise societally deprived.

The third are the Karens of the world regardless of age or skin color. They are the Gladys Kravitz's, the busybodies minding everyone else's business, looking to get those not in lockstep with their agenda punished. This is one punitive crowd. They sell the idea that their belief both makes them superior to everyone else and also in charge of doling out judgment for those who are obviously not with their program.

I am not a Christian but I am not Anti-Christian, either. I used to be a believer, changed my mind, and believe that everyone gets to make his or her own choices when regarding a deity as long as they don't try to force that belief down the throats of everyone else. I'm not a fan of the type of believer who hates homosexuals, transgender people, and thinks women should be subservient but I'm no fan of anyone like this, whether they blame it on their faith or not.

My third ex-wife loves sushi. I do not. Yes, I explained to her more than a few times, I have tried sushi a number of times (always the odd chance of getting some bad sushi so you give a shot in other places, right?) and I can conclude that I do not like sushi. That didn't make me anti-sushi. I took her to sushi places once in awhile and found things to eat—plastic plants, soy sauce, and teriyaki stuff—and never gave her any sort of flack for enjoying something I did not. If she insisted I eat sushi, we'd have had an issue.

This is the same space I occupy when it comes to religion and dogmatics. You do you. I certainly don't know even a fraction of things worth knowing in life so who the fuck am I to tell you differently. I've tried religion and, like sushi, it didn't take. My mom is pretty brilliant in this way. She doesn't press her faith upon me, doesn't shame me for not believing. She exists as a devoted Christian, she prays for me (it certainly can't hurt), and shares with me epiphanies she has from her copious study of her faith. I don't have to believe the way she does because, you know, soy sauce and teriyaki.

I am not Anti-Woke. I am anti-bully. I'm anti-Puritan. I'm anti-censoriousness and anti-race exceptionalism.

I can believe one on hand that all transgender people deserve the exact same rights and autonomy as every other citizen and on the other hand believe that a transgender woman is not a woman but a transgender woman (similar but not at all the same). This does not make me anti-woke or transphobic. It makes me pro-science and civil rights and anti-fantasy.

I can believe that African Americans whose forebears were saddled with slavery have been cheated by the American government and that centuries of bigotry have given them every right to demand (and see substantive) change and still recognize that African American immigrants in the past fifty years are in the top tier of economic wealth so the issue is about culture rather than skin color. I believe culture is a costume and can be exchanged for one that serves the wearer better.

Like Bill Burr, I believe women 87% of the time. The other 13% are psychos, sociopaths, and assholes.

It all really depends on what is meant by woke. When I hear the term used, I hear religious. I see intolerance. I am confronted with those three types of Christians. The first wear t-shirts and make a lot of noise about JK Rowling being transphobic, that white people are default racist, and that compromise is a waste of time. The second type are almost exactly like my mom—compassionate, forgiving, leading by example rather than insistence. The third type are all on Twitter and go out of their way to punish those who might disagree with their worldview by mobbing up and trying to get them fired.

Really, at the end of it, I'm anti-conformist across the board and if conformity of thought and practice is what you seek, leave me out of it, gang.