by Joe Janes

The people in our fast food restaurants who cook and clean and hand food to our customers and take their money are the lifeline of our corporation. They’re on their feet all day and pour their sweat and blood into their work and mostly not in our food. What’s the least amount possible we can pay them?

 -       Every Fast Food Company

Teachers set the tone and determine the quality of the experience for our students. Without them, we are nothing. Let’s raise tuitions and increase class sizes. Pay teachers as little as possible, the fewer the benefits the better. Let’s also value degrees over experience. We should also give ourselves raises and bonuses.

 -       Every College Administration

The people that keep our business on top are the ones who work in our warehouses and drive our delivery trucks. Let’s pay them as little as possible, admonish them for taking bathroom breaks, and literally work them to death. Ooh! And let’s buy a spaceship.

 -       Amazon

America is a melting pot. Land of the free and home of the brave. We are all created equal and deserve a fair chance to prosper and pursue happiness. You know I’m just talking about white people, right? And just men. Let’s also cut taxes for the rich and any programs poor people can benefit from. Can we make buying a gun mandatory while also taking away voting rights and banning abortion? Let’s also do away with those programs for youths and for mental health. Spikes in crime are good for business. We should also get raises and free healthcare. God bless US, everyone.

 -       The Government

Writers? I could write that. They should be happy just to have a job. If they’re not getting work, well, maybe they’re not good at writing the words like I do am.

 -       Hollywood Studios

Really, the best way for us to make as much money as possible is to pay our employees as little as possible without covering healthcare or retirement and making them pay for things, like uniforms and supplies. Whether they live or not is not up to us. That’s their business. We’ll do the least amount that’s legally possible while we also funnel money into changing those laws so we can eventually pay even less.

 -       All of Them

Got any you would add to the list?