by Joe Janes

In anticipation of potential incarceration from the “Soros-rigged justice system”, according to Trump himself, his lawyers presented the judge at his arraignment a list of pre-emptive demands.

Here is the transcript.

Your honor, it is unprecedented that a former US president be considered for any kind of legal punishment beyond a fine he can pawn off on his supporters. With 34 felony charges and a maximum sentence of 136 years, it looks like some prison time, however nominal, is inevitable. Our client has requested we officially enter his demands under should this occur.

1)    No community service, like picking up garbage along the side of the highway. Our client, as supported by a doctor’s note from 1968, suffers from bone spurs.

2)    Weekly conjugal visits from hot models and porn stars selected by our client, this includes his current wife who might like to role play prisoner and warden’s wife.

3)    That the food in the prison cafeteria be served buffet-style complete with an omelet station, ice cream sundae bar, and a ketchup fountain.

4)    Our client is concerned that being an ex-president in prison could make him a target for any liberal convicts who would like a piece of him. He would like to either have a 24/7 secret service detail or have secret service members found guilty of insurrection be his cell mates.

5)    The cell should be in the VIP section of the compound. He is fine with the toilet being out in the open next to his bed and wonders why he didn’t think of that before.

6)    President Trump will continue his run for the presidency in 2024 and will require internet access for Truth Social, a television set with cable, a telephone, and use of the prison yard for rallies.

7)    Our client demands protection from becoming anyone’s “bitch” unless said person has been pre-approved by Vladimir Putin.

We realize this is an unorthodox measure, your honor, but we believe our esteemed client deserves preferential treatment if he is required to serve. (Trump whispers in his attorney’s ear.) One more thing, your honor. Our client would like to build a golf course next to the facilities using cheap prison labor and then not paying for it.