By David Himmel

• Too many professional athletes are criminals. Therefore, I propose we need to make pickleball a professional sport. Because people who play pickleball are too big of pussies to be criminals.

• It’s naïve and outright dumb to think your older family members will never die. But sometimes, that’s what love is— naïve and dumb. And when they’ve always been there, your love makes them permanent. So, when they’re no longer there, it’s a rattling reminder that, yeah, dummy, people die. It’s also a reminder that love makes them permanent in your heart and mind. Unless you get dementia.

• I’m going to vote. But I’m not excited about it. And this time around, I’m already more annoyed than usual by those of you who post your smug “I voted” photos on Instagram.

• NOTE TO SELF: Stop going to Instagram.

• Sometimes, life feels like you’re eating a delicious bucket of perfectly popped movie popcorn. It’s fresh, hot, buttery. Other times, it feels like you’re eating a bucket of the kernel shells. The ones that get stuck in your teeth, buried in your gums, suction cupped to the back of your throat. And everything tastes burnt.

• Despite my best efforts, I cannot keep houseplants alive. When I buy one, I feel like the other plants in the store look at my purchase and think, “There goes poor, Tom, off to die a slow, embarrassing death.