By David Himmel

• All I need to help improve my life is more time and an emotional enema. I don’t think I’m asking for much.

• The greatest thing I heard about Swifties this week: “Taylor Swift fans are like Disney Adults.” Yep. No notes. Calm down and grow up.

• Everyone can use two panic attacks each week. Right? That’s good mental health advice.

• Life is a rerun of the same show with different actors.

• Car phone chargers aren’t chargers at all. They’re hospice for your dying phone. Just there to keep it comfortable, not bring it back to life.

• The only thing more painful than breaking your nose is getting the numbing agent so the doc can reset it. My advice to you is don’t break your nose in the first place.