By David Himmel

• It’s great that school teach kids about bullying and how to be an upstander. It’d be nice if they also taught kids how to not be bullied. Like, maybe comb your hair, dork.

• Okay, officially, May the Fourth Be with You is a stupid day, May 4th. Fuck Star Wars. Do you know the mental gymnastics I had to go through with my 6-year-old explaining that, yes, the Emperor died when Vader threw him into the Death Star’s abyss core, but also, he didn’t die because Kathleen Kennedy and the rest of the turds at Disney/Lucas Films ran out of ideas and retconned the entire journey of Anakin Skywalker by keeping the Emperor alive? Such gymnastics that the combined powers of Albert Einstein and Simone Biles couldn’t have stuck the landing. Point is, the sequels make the prequels look like Oscar winners.

• If you ever want to see the Circle of Life play out in real time, head over to the DMV. You’ve got 16-year-old kids getting their first driver’s licenses. So excited, so nervous. With their parents, so proud and terrified. And then you have old folks likely getting their last driver’s licenses. Not excited, not nervous. And without anyone with them because all their friends and family are dead.

• Things that get better with age: Leather, Kristin Wiig, whiskey.

• I’m currently getting divorced and am unemployed. And so, I’ve decided I’m going to Nicolas Cage-Leaving Las Vegas myself. If I budget the money and my internal organs just right, I’ll drop dead shortly after I drop my last dollar.

• When other people think the worst of you, they’re wrong. When you think the worst of yourself, you’re wrong, too. Remember that.