by Don Smith

It was early afternoon, over a hundred degrees in pre-Autumn L.A., as I walked to my local library. Built in 1913, the Vermont Square branch is the oldest branch library in the Los Angeles Public Library system and as such is designated as an Historic-Cultural Monument. Surrounded by a verdant park dotted with Camphor trees, Coast Live Oaks and always-blooming flowers, the one-story structure is designed in the Italian Renaissance and Mediterranean Revival style with Prairie style proportions. The building is truly the gem of the neighborhood, the kind you might look at and say, “They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.”

“I’m lyin’ alone with my head on the phone
Thinkin’ of you till it hurts
I know you’re hurt too, but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart”

The unmistakable melody drifted down the block as I walked. It’s not uncommon to hear music blasting in my neighborhood, but British/Australian pop ballads from the ‘80s are not the go-to genre around these parts. For example, there is one song in particular that I can’t seem to escape hearing at least once a week with its annoyingly repetitive bass line and nasally chorus that repeats ad nauseam,

“I got nineteen dollars for a lapdance,
but I only got a dollar for a cigarette .”

While the lyrics of that track present their own moral quandary, the Air Supply tune was a welcome change of pace.

“I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seemed so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn’t really know
Doesn’t really know”

As I reached the front steps of the library I saw the source of the blaring ballad: a beige, 2013 Cadillac XTS. The sedan looked to be in pristine condition. Clearly the sound system was still solid. Without staring too much I noticed that the interior was packed to the gills with clothing and boxes. A man I’m assuming was the owner of the Caddy was sitting in a folding lawn chair (the kind with a metal frame and plastic tubing) next to the car. He was nursing a beer and appeared to have a lot on his mind.

“I’m all out of love
I’m so lost without you”

Did he lose his job? His savings? Those Caddys don’t get the greatest of gas mileage and the price per gallon out here is crazy, so maybe he just couldn’t afford to fill up. Was “love” in the song a momentary metaphor for money? “They” say it’s what makes the world go ‘round.

“I know you were right
Believing for so long
I’m all out of love
What am I without you”

Did his old lady kick him to the curb from their shared abode? Had she had enough of his Monday afternoon beers?

“I can’t be too late
To say that I was so wrong”

Or maybe he recently lost a family member?

That last lyric hit me like a pile of the cream-colored glazed bricks that make up the facade of the library. My mom passed away suddenly from a heart attack on New Year’s Day of 2020. She was on life support for two days before the team of doctors told us that the only thing keeping her body going were the myriad machines she was hooked up to, otherwise she was officially brain dead. Two days of holding bedside vigil in the hospital. Two days of weeping, and hoping, and praying (I was shocked when I suddenly recalled both the Lord’s Prayer and the Hail Mary word for word after years of disuse). Two very long, heartbreaking days.

“I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long, lonely nights
I’m reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right”

My mom was a complicated woman and we had an equally complicated relationship, but I miss her every single day. She was my biggest supporter and my first best friend.

After moving to L.A. we used to talk on the phone at least once a week. Most of the time those conversations were easy and fun. Sometimes they were hard; politics, man, can really fuck with a relationship. I wish I could apologize for all the arguments, all the heated words and shitty sentiments. One more chance to say, “I’m sorry.”

“And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can’t hold on”

Losing a parent is never easy, but it’s especially hard when they leave too soon. I’ll never get to hold her hand or make her laugh again. My daughter will never feel my mom’s big hugs or hear her sing to her like she always did to me. I got my love of music from my mom.

“There’s no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I’ll be gone
I’ll be gone”

I love that music can have this effect on us; it has the potential to conjure stories and force us to relive memories (however happy or gut wrenching). I’ll always wonder what effect “I’m All Out of Love” was having on Cadillac Man as he sat there that sweltering afternoon. Maybe nothing. Maybe the song just happened to be on the radio and “Too Hot” by Kool & the Gang played next. I’ll never know.

Whatever the case, I hope he’s not all out of love. And, dear reader, I hope you’re not as well.

“My name is Donnie Smith, and I have lots of love to give.”