By Chris Churchill

What the hell does an elephant or a mule have to do with either of these parties today? Are elephants dogmatic, rich and selfish? Are mules empathic, secular and over-educated? Not that I know of. Where’s Sir David Attenborough when you need him?

And of course, the above attributes aren’t all that make up the two parties. I suggest, based on a series of less tangible traits, that we find new mascots. I hereby nominate, to represent the Republicans, the bonobo. And to represent the Democrats, the chihuahua. 

I want to to disclose a little about myself before I go on. I am from Kansas. I am the son, grandson and great-grandson of Protestant, fundamentalist preachers. However, my dad, my siblings and I myself are highly educated. Most of us have advanced degrees in fields that are meant to help others. Psychology, sociology, social work, therapy, communication. These types of things. I think one could find reason to believe that, based on that info, I might be either a Democrat or Republican. You’re right. I might be. 

What I mean to say is, I see good and bad on both sides. With that in mind, here are the reasons for my nominations:

Bonobos are Republicans. They’re family oriented. They believe in seeing to it that the tribe gets what’s theirs. And also, they fuck everything. Fucking is currency, it’s punishment, it maintains social order. If you’re a bonobo, you truly believe it’s fuck or be fucked. The only way to get by in this jungle we all share is to fuck the guy next to you before he fucks the females too. The men are in charge here. I’m sure female bonobos probably invented tools just to compete with the amount of fucking the men throw around. You owe me money? I fuck you! You ask me for money I owe you? I fuck you! You want my job? You’re gonna have to fuck me for it! It’s all penetration all the time. 

The Democrats, on the other hand, are chihuahuas. Chihuahuas are smart, loyal and nervous. They try, try, try to protect their pack. They bark, bark, bark and run around and jump but they’re all trained to sit, stay and heel. They all poop on the paper. Or outside by their own tree. Oh and they bark. So much barking. Not that terrifying Great Dane or pit bull or Rottweiler bark. No. Those barks might make me act. Those barks might scare a bonobo into discontinuing the raping of another bonobo. No, chihuahuas barks are incessant and you can’t ignore them but — actually, if you just pick the chihuahua up and stop listening, you can ignore them. It’s pretty easy.

Sometimes, you can even give them a new toy and they’ll attack that instead of you. Once, a chihuahua was trying to angrily untie my shoes or something and I just through some popcorn at it and it became scared and confused and ran away. Chihuahuas know that their owners are good people and deserve love and happiness, no matter how gay or female or “of color” they might be. Chihuahuas know we all deserve an equal shot at getting our own bone and spot in the yard to bury it but we all stopped listening to the impotent rage of the chihuahuas as soon as we were able to normalize the noise. 

The thing is, a chihuahua can’t scare a bonobo. And a bonobo can’t catch a chihuahua. But if they could—oh boy. If a bonobo gets scared, it will hide and fuck itself. And if the chihuahua gets caught by a bonobo, he’s getting fucked. 

Lots of chihuahuas seem to unnerve a few bonobos though. And an organized group of bonobo, able to work together on a goal that is not simply self-aggrandizing, (a rare thing indeed), could coral and train a pack of chihuahuas. But bonobos only care about themselves and who the next bonobo it is that they’ll fuck. And chihuahuas are basically just fun to watch because they try really hard but haven’t figured out how to scare the bonobo. 

Independents are squid. 

Libertarians are koalas. 

No explanations shall be given.