By Dana Jerman

Ladies... I hear you.

We're about due, aren't we? The outrage is palpable and nested within it are the seeds for much overdue change in the respect direction. All of us have our pet issues and our own best strategies for getting our point of view across to those who would lend a sympathetic ear. Noting this, some of you are being solicited and paid to whine at the press right now, and while that’s all well and good, it won’t last. We need to be thinking long-term.

If we are ever to get out from under this “fairer sex/nurturer” stereotype, desperate measures are perhaps required. I see you marchin’ so I know you know how to get out into the streets. 2018 is our year, and the future of this particular brand of drama is most definitely female.

I propose simply: We are currently not holding up our end of the mass-shooter demographic.

Let’s get back to our roots and move on from character assassination to real assassination.

Acting now means initial investments can pay in dividends. Concealed carry isn’t just for bros anymore. Same as "Piece Now" isn't just another slogan on a t-shirt. This means you too, Mom.

This does not mean “become a cop.” Or “join the military.” Or join any group for that matter. That’s bad advice any time, any where.

I mean become a blip. A healthy blip on the doomsday radar. Sure, you'll become an instant celebrity, but it's not about your looks. It's your brains they never see coming. You’re smart. Go rogue, baby. It is fair to assume a modest amount of calculated planning will go into this if you expect to execute (get it, execute?) it well. Which means you probably won’t survive, but know, it was all worth it.

Totally worth it! Because we comprehend, my comrade Fems with Firearms, as soon as we start making something like perpetrating mass-shootings our business, “The Man” is going to try take away our right to do so. (My guess is he’s dull enough to not really put together the fact that that’s pretty much all we wanted in the first place.)

Think too of all the stellar new bumper stickers you’ll inspire! :

...At this point however, the concept of shooting up a school is quite passe, and rather self-defeating.

Instead, let’s think creatively about where we would stage such a thing. Maybe a place where many men are congregating for long periods? Your local Russian bath house is a good start. Or the golf course clubhouse at the suburban country club. Yeah, that's more like it. Who doesn’t want to spray those shimmeringly-privileged walls down with some blue blood?

Look, you and I both know many more souls will have to perish before we can find a resolution. Alas, it was never really about dicks, dears. As much as we wanna take the “pa” out of patriarchy, the primary issues at hand are solely related to power. All war is class war, as the anarchists say, and with this work, talk about flexibility of potential within job performance! You understand the Lysistrata approach is humorous, but invalid. If you didn’t, I wouldn’t hear your beautiful voices throwing words like “strength” and “empowerment” and "pussy power" around.

So here's another tack. Embrace the mantle of the “Alt-Bitch.” Remember that phrase “Speak Truth to Power”? Nuh-uh. Power doesn’t listen to Truth. Power listens to Power. Nothing says that better than the direct-action-equals-satisfaction sound of an automatic weapon going off...

Pow. Pow. Pow.

Now. Now. Now.