Fox News Readers’ Choice
I began noticing the strange, yet obvious, disparities of trending news between Fox News and every other news outlet early in the summer. It was right around the same time my friend, Mike Reynolds, editor of the TX Citizen, a New Braunfels, Texas alt. rag began posting screenshots of his Apple News feed to his Facebook page.
For me, it started out as comedy. Then it became strange. Then concerning. And then, well, as most terrible things are oft to do, it became funny again.
A trend within the trends was that whenever the main news stories of the day involved President Donald Trump and/or his administration in some kind of negative light, where most all other news outlets such as the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN—you know, the fake news—the trending stories on Fox were topics so far removed from what everyone else was reading that it had to give one pause and wonder what planet its readers were on. In short, if the big news stories of the day dealt with North Korea’s boner to kill everyone, Russia in the White House or the rise of American Nazis, Fox News readers were flocking to stories about nude celebrities, a dad trying to get you to date his daughter or boys taking naps with cows. Really.
From this unofficial and institutionally unsponsored study and collection of evidence, it can be determined that Fox News readers—enough to set the trend for online news—are kings and queens of perversion and avoiding the hard truth that their president, their country and their world are going to absolute hell in a weighted hand basket that is already engulfed in flames. But hey, at least Sofia Vergara is posing completely nude at 45. (And that’s her age, not President Trump, you sickos.)
The only other explanation for this is that there is some great conspiracy involving the Apple News feed on iPhones to make Fox News and its readers look foolish. Wouldn’t that explain why the gov’mnt wanted to hack into our iPhones? This alleged conspiracy may likely wind up a trending headline on Fox News the day Trump is impeached.
I collected screenshots from my own iPhone and I share them with you as evidence and for a good, laugh. Although, this is less of a knee-slapper than a head-scratcher.
Tuesday, June 13, 2017 — Sessions is causing trouble. Corporate America's sexual predators are getting ousted, the Republican-led Senate sucks and Demi Moore might record a classic Christmas song, I guess.
Sunday, July 9, 2017 — I don't know what Real Simple is, but I sure as shit need to know if zombies help prove the existence of God, who is a Christian.
Thursday, July 27, 2017 — As much as I'm not a fan of Fox News, I'm even less a fan of Huffington Post. But, for the most part, HuffPo sticks to the important, big stories of the day, even if they do it with a shitty, side-eye Regressive Left attitude. And despite what you may think about Michael Moore, if we're going after clicks using celebrities as bait, Moore trumps Drescher.
Friday, July 28, 2017 — This one might be my favorite. I encourage you to read that trending Fox News story about a dad pleading with boys to like his daughter. His 4-year-old daughter. It's one of the most confusing and even sexually perverse stories you may ever read. It's a Christian version of a Penthouse Forum letter with a touch of incest. Here's the link. Maybe read it in the bathroom so you can vomit with dignity.
Friday, July 28, 2017 — OK, they're not all bad. Give credit where credit is due. However, this is from later in the same day as the daddy-daughter story mentioned above. I guess it's pleasure before real news for Fox readers.
Saturday, July 29, 2017 — CNN is the only news source talking about the Emoji Movie. And then there's Fox with its celebrity nonsense as the Republican-led Senate continues to flounder. And, um, just fuck you, Huffington Post. Nice image, you dorks. Jesus. Fox News may be for perverts and fragile conservatives but Huffington Post is for white, liberal moms who act like teenagers. CNN? Who cares? #FakeNews.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017 — Trump is an idiot and hates immigrants. So do many of his supporters. But man, they love immigrant titties, emiright?
Thursday, August 3, 2017 — But her emails.
Sunday, August 6, 2017 — Here's where the Huffington Post readers prove their worth in clumpy table salt. We all know leaks are bad. And here, Trump is working with his government instead of throwing his gold-leafed shit all over them. This is what presidents should do. And when Trump behaves—like this one time Trump behaves—HuffPo readers are more interested in Malia Obama's job performance from 2014. See? Teenagers read HuffPo. Might as well call that blog Tiger Beat.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017 — The Nazis are coming. But boys and cows are totes adorabs.
Friday, August 18, 2017 — An American is dead. Bannon is out! Trump is a sneaky creep. Boobs from the '80s.
Saturday, August 19, 2017 — Paris Hilton matters.
Monday, August 21, 2017 — Fox readers don't care about their tax dollars being flushed down the elite country club toilet. The cosmic wonder of the total solar eclipse has no matter here. They don't care about their girl getting "shade" thrown at her. (See what HuffPo did with that? "Shade" because it's cool slang and because this was during the eclipse. Very clever, HuffPo.) Fox readers want to know about the woman getting cut in half. Boobs with blood on them. Hawt.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017 — I actually read this Fox News story simply because I thought Jon and Kate were dead.
Monday, August 28, 2017 — Houston is drowning. Suicide is trending. Maybe the readers are taking notes.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017 — The word "flood" has two letter Os in it. You know what other word has two letter Os in it? "BOOBS!"