By David Himmel

• The only discrimination most white people have faced is that they’ve never had the opportunity to be truly discriminated against.

• Ever since Steve Jobs died, the quality of Apple products and services has slumped exponentially. The exact same thing can be said about Christianity since the death of Jesus Christ. Still, I’m a believer.

• Last Saturday, a woman lost her life when an alleged racist sheet stain ran her over with his car because his fragility was threatened by reason. Today, I became aggressively annoyed with my contact lenses that kept folding over as I tried to put them in my eyes. The struggle is unbalanced.

• I used to laugh at how insane it was that the Third Reich was able to accomplish all the horror it did because it’s aim was so incredibly egregious. Like how, I would wonder, didn’t anyone say to Hitler, “Wait, you want to kill how many people? That’s a bit much, don’t you think? I mean, mein Fuhrer, I’m all for making Germany great again but this… I don’t know. This seems kinda nuts and probably won’t end well. Can we just settle for conquering Poland? Spring in Warsaw is fantastic!” But now, after witnessing the last seven months in America with my own eyes, I see how it happened: Spineless, xenophobic fear and probably a whole shit ton of instances of misplaced frustration due to chronic premature ejaculation.

• I won’t call CNN a fake news outlet. However, it continues to lose credibility. Most recently, it dropped another several points on the Credibility Meter when it ran a headline with “alums” in it. “Alums” is not a word. It’s “alumni.” #FakeLatin

• In these turbulent times, sometimes it is best to get in bed and pull the covers way up over your head. Just don’t Dutch Oven yourself.