By David Himmel

• I think that the best thing for all of us—this global community—is a nuclear war. It’ll remind us—those of us who are left—how devastating the nuclear option is. It’s been too long since anyone witnessed the destruction the Bomb wields and as a result, we’ve become desensitized to it, which is exactly why the two chubby children think it’s fun to throw threats of a fiery endgame around. So yeah, bring down the fury of hot hell. Maybe it’ll knock some sense into us. Bonus: I won’t have to worry about paying my quarterly taxes next time around.

• Back when I was single, I considered online dating for only a moment. I even started to fill out a profile. But I gave up when I realized I’d never find my ideal woman. There was no choice for Professional Drinker.

• I’ve always felt such a sense of pride whenever I finish reading a book. But now that I’m writing them, I feel sad when someone finishes reading mine. Life is nothing if not unbalanced.

• A good panic requires precise planning.

• People talk about having a work wife or a work husband. I have a work bidet. What’s a work bidet? It’s a spray bottle I bring with me into the stall at work.

• I hope to one day be so rich that my boogers have market value.