By David Himmel

• When on a crowded CTA train or bus, if you’re wearing your backpack on your back, you’re a fucking asshole. Kindness and physics require you to swing it around. You prick.

• I hate commas. Never really know what to do with them. I also have trouble spelling the word "success." Oh, hey! I nailed it that time.

• I hate dibs in theory but love it in practice.

• There is no guarantee or promise that your children or parents will love you. There is no such thing as unconditional love. If you love your asshole dad or child, the condition is that they are your dad or kid and there’s a natural bond. But a bond doesn’t determine love.

• Does anyone else find pea-size dust bunnies in their belly button at the end of the day when they change from street clothes to PJs? What the fuck is that?

• Blaming the new kid in town for stealing your girlfriend while you refused to treat her well is a coward’s way out.