By David Himmel

• Having an executive assistant is like playing Pokemon. You determine what bullshit to get yourself into and then send your dedicated minion to do much of your dirty work. I assume it’s like that. I don’t have an assistant and I’ve never played Pokemon. But I have worked in an office and watched the cartoon.

• Love is psychological warfare.

• If you have any faith in the justice system, you’ve never been arrested. That, or you’re just not paying attention.

• I imagine that the inside of Trump’s mind is like being a toddler in a car seat inside of a hot mini-SUV surrounded by a variety of slobber-drenched snack crumbs and sticky juice spills that you caused while the idiot driving the car dotes on you despite how awful you actually are and the mess you’re making of their car. All this while that god-awful song from Frozen plays on repeat from the stereo at a decibel level to rival that of a teenage wannabe gangbanger blasting Notorious B.I.G. out of his Impala windows as he creeps down your street on his way to his job as a bagger at Whole Foods.

• If my approach to being a dog parent is any indication of how I’ll be as a parent to a human, I’m going to wake the kid up to snuggle with it and throw things at its face.

• I think the reason I always crushed on the counselors while growing up at my summer camp was because they weren’t like the Jewish girl campers my age. See, I never really liked Jewish girls.