By Don Hall

…that we're finally over the Christmas month so we can get back to the business of shitting all over one another.

…that you should go to the gym just once to pretend you actually give a shit. Then go back to gorging yourself on sugar-laden lattes and gluten-free Fritos.

…that no matter how much you want the New Year page turn to open up to a whole new world, Donald Trump is still the fucking president.

…that with the economy soon to be in shambles, the American people might just get back to what made us great citizens of the world instead of the All Consuming, Thoughtless and Arrogant Horde that we became. On the other hand, I hear Walmart has Viagra and Magic Wrinkle Eliminating Makeup marked down 60 percent off, so there is that.

…that, if the betterment of humanity is your goal for 2018, get off the internet. The internet has gone from the potential to unite our diminishing globe to a bludgeoning microphone for the smallest of vocal minorities to air their grievances so loudly and unrelentlessly that we can't hear the rest of us. That said, subscribe to Literate Ape!