By Don Hall

Seriously. 

On the heels of the not-so-surprising news that a mega-wealthy, older, white, Hollywood power broker turned out to be a serial sexual harasser, there are now articles and statuses and tweets going around that other men are now afraid to meet with women because they might then be accused of the same. 

Calm down, already. 

Yes, we’re living in some unusual times and the politics of the Rage Profiteers on both sides of the game are screaming in your face (not really in your face, though, because you can always just stop reading the comments and shared articles anytime). As confusing as it may seem, it’s just not that complicated to navigate. 

First, realize that you are not Harvey Weinstein. You’re not mega-wealthy. You’re not a Hollywood power broker. Even if you’re a heavy, older white guy with all the aggressive tendencies associated with that classification, unless you try to get women to have sex with you to get a job, you aren’t even in the same Triathlon. Even if you’re just a regular white/black/brown guy (with all of the societally frowned upon traits that guys have had for centuries—I mean, the Patriarchy isn’t a sports bar or a metal band, right?), unless you’re a rapey kind of guy who sees women as objects to conquer with your skeevy charms the only thing you have in common with Harvey is a tendency for back hair and a dangly mushroom cap.

Second, understand that all of those folks complaining about your "manspreading" and "mansplaining" as if those things are hangable offenses rendering you the “Harvey Weinstein of the local Starbucks,” are nothing more than assholes trying to inflate their sense of offense to the same level as a woman forced to watch you jerk yourself off in a bathroom. Feminism has bigger fish to fry than you being an inconsiderate butthole on the L. You know, like guys who force women to watch them spank their pud.

Third, stop with the virtue signaling already. If you aren’t a creep, most women in your life already know it. If you are, they know that, too. Your impassioned Faceborg posts about how outrageous it is that people who had little to nothing to do with Harvey except do some movies with him aren’t disavowing him publicly is just another way to gin up some more outrage for the Rage Profiteers. And the opinions of your exes are just so much butt-hurt gossip unless you stalked them or forced them to watch you pop your dongle.

Generally speaking, unless you forced or coerced a woman to do something she did not want to do, you aren't Harvey.

Heres a handy five-step process that will help you get over your fear of being labeled the “Harvey Weinstein of Ace Hardware on Clark.” 

1.  Do not date people you work with. Ever. Trust me. Don’t do it.
Yes, she is the person you see every day and that couple over there in accounting met at work and they’re doing just fine but these facts do not eliminate the inevitable misunderstandings and break up and repercussions of sharing that intimate story of your pillow humping when you were 13 with someone who can go to Human Resources and tell them your smug fucking face in the morning is making it a hostile work environment. 

To further clarify, do not date or attempt sex with anyone in your theater company, in your improv group, in your stand up collective, in your poetry slam community, in your storytelling clique. Don't date your students, your former students, or those who approach you for career advice.

And while I'm saying "date" I hope it's clear that I also mean don't sexually coerce or rape anyone.  In case that was unclear.

2.  Repeat after me. “Women are just people.”
They are not objects of conquest, they are not property to own, they are not sage Earth Mothers, they are not witches. They are just as stupid, crazy, fucked up and vindictive as you are. Some are smarter than you, others are not. Some will completely take advantage of the current climate and take it out on you because Trump is too far away and perhaps fictional. Others won’t.

Most won’t, in fact. Most don’t make this shit up. Sure, some do but some shoplift at bakeries and piss in alleys but far from most.

Women are just people. People deserve better than to be treated like things.

3.  Cool it with the porn.
Of course, watching a little fucking online is fun but too much of it starts to wash your perspective on how normal relations are supposed to work. Remember playing Grand Theft Auto so much that every time you went outside, you had to fight the impulse to just carjack any car in sight? It’s kind of like that. 

4.  Under no circumstances should you force anyone to watch you slap your stick.
Yuck, dude.

5.  If you’re lonely, get a pet for crissakes.  
Dating should be a nice way to get to know a potential partner, not a formality in front of sticking your wang into a fellow human being. Go hump that Sponge Bob pillow instead. Heck, you can even practice getting consent from Bob!

You may have broken some hearts in your time. You might have made a pass at someone who wasn't interested. You might've even been like that guy who sat outside a campus playing piano to be noticed like Loyd Dobbler with a piano instead of a boombox. You probably told someone you loved them but didn't really mean it but relationships are messy and sex is sloppy and it's all pretty imprecise.

Trust me. You are not the creature known as Harvey. Maybe you're a little pathetic and maybe you ghosted someone once but you aren't a serial sexual harasser. Unless you are and then all the worry in the world ain't gonna help because no one—NO ONE ON THE PLANET—wants to see you pistol whip your ferret.